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Back again

Rufus — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:32:27 +0000

Yeah, we’ve had more comeback tours than KISS…but we’re serious this time. Anyhoo. If there is anyone still out there…

We’re back, precious!

Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch — Sun, 26 Jun 2005 22:56:14 +0000

We’ve been gone from Moviesthatsuck for a long time, and I apologize to anyone who noticed or cared. I think the last time we updated the site, Clinton was still in office. And I was sane. I can’t speak for Rufus, but I had a damn good reason for my sabbatical. I’ve been sitting on the couch for the last two years, listening to Hall and Oates and eating Peeps until I couldn’t see my own cock.

Turns out I was suffering from some sort of sugar-induced depression. And I was even more physically unhealthy than usual. I’d ingested enough Yellow No. 5 food coloring to poison half of Chicago. I’d eaten so many goddamn little marshmallow chickens that my doctor thought I had jaundice and lockjaw. Turns out those little buggers are NOT a substitute for vegetables or anti-depressants.

Well, I’m back in good health now, working in the garden and sparring with my Macaque on a daily basis. I’m lean, mean, and doped up like a 4th grader with ADHD. We think that you will like the new format, and hope that some of the people we know so well will come back and contribute: Fairy Princess, Chris Peddie. Mindy, Tabs, Prozac Man,… you know who you are. We miss you all.

Abe Froman’s Angelina Jolie Sex Fantasy

Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch — Sun, 26 Jun 2005 03:09:35 +0000

Despite popular opinion, I am not a Johnny-come-lately to the Angelina Jolie bandwagon. I’ve been on board since her lips had co-star billing with Denzel in The Bone Collector. Even back then, without knowing anything about Angelina I could tell that, should she ply me with one of her simmering stares and purse her lips into the shape of a corpus luteum about to lovingly eject what would undoubtedly be the most attractive zygote of all time, I would wet myself on the spot like a scolded beagle.

Sex with Angelina always begins in my mind with knife play. Using an ancient Egyptian ceremonial dagger (and inexplicably dressed like Ma Ingalls) Angelina binds my arms and legs and begins to carve symbols of power into my quivering, sausage-scented flesh. These symbols are always powerful and demonic: inverted pentagrams, goat horns, the Enron logo. Anything to make me feel like a naughty little initiate in the temple of Jolie, tasting the forbidden fruit from Angelina’s tree of quasi-evil.

From there we move on to soft-core vampiric role-play that I don’t really feel comfortable relating.

But then! Oh God, but then! We tumble headlong over the cliff of lust, embracing each other in a free-fall, making love madly as we plummet into a huge vat of Pierce Brosnan’s toenail clippings and half-cooked vermicelli.

Whew! What a ride! But it’s not over… as I smoke a chocolate flavored cigarillo, my 74-year-old flab glistening in a post-coital glaze, Angelina works me over with a pair of brass knuckles and a nerf broadsword, kicking my ass up and down Wacker Drive while simultaneously tongue-kissing a black woman dressed like Jon Voight.

Man, I’m exhausted just telling you about it. If you have any spectacular fantasies of your own starring Angelina Jolie, please keep them to yourself you sick bastard. Abe Froman for Masochists that Su…errr… I mean Movies….Abe Froman for Moviesthatsuck…signing off.