Movies That Suck

Bring It On

By Marmalade McStiffer ⋅ July 10, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Directed by Peyton Reed, Written by Jessica Bendinger, Starring Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Jesse Bradford, Gabrielle Union. Duration 98 minutes
Having never been a car mechanic or a TV repair man, I have no idea of the lives they lead. Apparently, it’s not all sex.

State & Main

By Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch ⋅ July 9, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Have you ever made a videotape of yourself spanking your marsupial, and then turned around and jacked off while watching yourself jack off?

Lost Souls

By Scott the Angry Jew ⋅ July 6, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

The title itself is as nonsensical as the movie, as there is no mention of any ’souls’ anywhere in the film, and the only thing that gets ‘lost’ is 90 minutes of your valuable life span.

Get Carter

By Scott the Angry Jew ⋅ July 6, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Pretend your wife (or husband) cooks for you, and one day makes a meal that you despise. But not only is the meal awful, but your lack of interest has helped to create about a week’s worth of leftovers.

Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

By Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch ⋅ June 2, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Over my years as a swingin’ film-critic, I’ve come to realize something extremely signigicant. Women are a lot like movies. I’ve banged a shitload of broads in my time, and I can’t escape the comparison.

Along Came a Spider

By Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch ⋅ March 8, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Along came a spider…and I swatted its ugly ass with the December issue of Juggs. Let’s get one thing straight. I admire Morgan Freeman. Even though from some angles he looks like a Maori tribesman on a three day bender, he’s still a competent actor who brings legitimacy to even the crappiest movie.

Tomb Raider

By Administrator ⋅ February 28, 2001 ⋅ One comment

I’m sure some of you will be offended by this review.

Vertical Limit

By Marmalade McStiffer ⋅ February 16, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

Vertical Limit Starring Chris O’Donnell, Robin Tunney, Bill Paxton and Scott Glenn. Directed by Martin Campbell. Written by Robert King III. Run Time 124 minutes approx.
Vertical Limit is a cocktail of shite. “The Perfect Storm” with ice. And it’s a nasty concoction that will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

The Bachelor

By Dr. Rufus Jackson OB-GYN ⋅ February 16, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

If you look up “pathetic” in a dictionary published after 1999 you should see “The Bachelor” somewhere in the definition. Oh, by the way, does anyone else out there think Bryant Gumbel needs a sand wedge applied to the back of his big fuckin’ head about fifty times?

The Wedding Planner

By Dr. Rufus Jackson OB-GYN ⋅ February 14, 2001 ⋅ Post a comment

There’s only one thing more predictable than Rufus risin’ up late in the morning and pinchin’ a loaf the size of French bread…yes, it’s “The Wedding Planner.”

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