movies that suck
Minority Report
I wasn’t going to write this review originally. This was one of those rare cases where, even though I enjoyed the movie, I found myself grappling with some intangible problem, some unanswerable question that arose in my subconscious during the show. I couldn’t quite pin it down while it was happening, but it hit me […]
XXX
Be it introduced into the moviesthatsuck.com legislature that…
Whereas the letter “X” has been abused repeatedly for the last decade in advertising, television and cinema; I hereby move that we ban the letter “X” from the English and any other alphabet that has a letter which sounds or even fucking looks like “X”
How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Yo, peep this my peeps: Every romantic comedy is the same. Sure, some of the details in between are different, but in the end you know the two are going to have a fight, then makeup, then get together again and live in harmonious bliss: IT’S PURE, UNADULTERATED HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT!
The Pianist
When Mrs. Froman said she wanted to see The Pianist, I hauled ass to the bathroom, splashed on a little smell-good, lathered my nether-regions in avacado/cucumber extract, and donned my tear-away thong.
Maid in Manhattan
Some people marry for money, some for love. Me? For shitty movies. Shaniqua wants to go see it? I guarantee it sucks. Maid in Manhattan doesn’t disappoint. Neither does Shaniqua’s ability to spit shine my shoes and make the bed.
Kangaroo Jack
Jerry Bruckheimer. That’s all I REALLY need to say. Jerry Fucking Bruckheimer. The king of the slag heap. Coyote Ugly. Gone in Sixty Seconds. Con Air. The Rock. Bad Boys. The trail of brain dead thrill-rides sprawls across the socially retarded cinema landscape like Anna Nicole Smith across a nursing home bed.
Why Hollywood Sucks
I used to enjoy going to the movies. The charge I got from seeing unbelievably daring acts on a massive screen…my pants around my ankles…massive gazongas swaying rhythmically…wait…uh…wrong theater.
Ocean’s Eleven
Have you ever had a roommate who refuses to clean anything? It’s usually someone with a dog or cat that defecates on the carpet and any other place you’re sure to step in it. And then their owner walks around the turd like it’s furniture.
Mr. Deeds
When Abe and I began work on moviesthatsuck.com back at the end of 1999, one of the things we discussed was not turning MTS into a collection of movie reviews that obviously suck. As Abe so sagely put it: “That’d be like us grabbing the nearest homeless person and yelling, ‘Hey everybody, this guy smells […]
Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones
For years I’ve told people that if you want to know what the worst thing on television or at the movies is, just ask my ol’ lady what she’s watching. I’m not kidding. It’s amazing.
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