movies that suck
A forlorn Johnny Hooper reviews “The Pink Panther”
Today, I found your picture in some stuff I was moving to the attic. A shiver immediately worked its way through me, starting first in the middle of my heaving chest and moving outward, through all my extremities.
Inside the mind of Johnny Hooper as he watches “Skeleton Key”
Whew, okay… barely made it in time. Good thing there are about 15 minutes of previews nowadays. God, this fake trailer about shutting your cell phone off– it always gets me! What is that crap under my feet? Oh, old popcorn and twizzlers… gross. Okay, here we go. Always […]
Johnny Hooper’s clone reviews “The Island”
I don’t mean to be one of these malcontented clones that bitches constantly about doing all the “work work work work work work work” while our original versions have all the Bacchantic, hedonist fun there is to be had, generally. I know that I was created in a lab in a Petri dish, and […]
Bad News Bears (2005)
Ebert’s at it again. First he gives Wedding Crashers a “C,” then he gives this abomination a grade of “B.” [imdb]
Quoth Nancy-boy: “What I liked most about the movie, I think, is that it undermines the self-congratulatory myths we cultivate about sports in America.”
Let’s get something straight Rodge, or better yet, let’s let Billy Bob’s […]
Herbie’s review of his movie
Okay, so the movie starts and I’m trying to get out of the clutches of this evil tow truck guy, right? How this fat yahoo got me up on this fucking thing in the first place, I’m embarrassed to tell you. Let’s just leave it at this: alcohol works wonders, even on a […]
Bewitched
I hated this movie so much I wanted to kick its ass. And I would have too if the projection booth hadn’t been locked. I’m not scared of ANY reel of celluloid, I don’t care how big that motherfucker is! Titanic, Gone With the Wind, Pippi Longstocking Uncut… any 3 hour plus movie, […]
The Whole Ten Yards
What do you get when you cross an episode of Scooby Doo and Three’s Company? The Whole Ten Yards. Think about it…a gaggle of jackass “mob” bad-guys affecting bad accents that don’t exist, and funny, semi-attractive people from Los Angeles who hide things from each other, ending in wacky hi-jinks and a plot that should […]
Juwanna Mann
As I sat and watched the credits roll on Juwanna Mann, I couldn’t make up my mind what was more unbelievable: that I actually made it to the credits, that a man could successfully disguise himself and play in a women’s basketball league, or that the WNBA could fill an entire arena with screaming fans.
Signs
No matter how compelling the human drama, how sharply drawn the characters, how turbulent and suspenseful the conflict, nothing can make me overlook the fact that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fuckin’ basement.
40 Days and 40 Nights
Josh Hartnett must be shot before he tries to act again, we’ve got to take this fucker down. And I’m serious.
I don’t think there’s anything negative I can say about 40 Days and 40 Nights that wouldn’t come out as a severe understatement. To say that ‘fucking wretched’ is an understatement would be, itself, an […]
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