Abe Froman Sausage King of Ch
The Bone Collector
This actually happened. As I was leaving the theater after enduring the Bone Collector, a tall man wearing a baseball cap and sporting a huge handlebar moustache approached me in the parking lot. He wanted to make a deal. He offered me fifty dollars to sit through the Bone Collector again, or he could kick […]
Practical Magic
Un-funny, un-touching nonsense about the crappy love lives of two witch sisters (Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman). Seems like every time one of ‘em falls in love, their significant other decides to take a pre-mature dirt nap.
Beloved
Man, this movie chews major phallus. I’m talking Paul Bunyan-sized phallus here. Have you ever watched The Shining, and near the end the director thought it’d be a good idea to throw in an arbitrary shot of a guy in a dog suit givin’ the old butler a blow job?
Mission to Mars
If you substitute “Dead Ass” for the word “Mars” in the title of this movie, you’ve got a good idea what to expect when you watch it. Brian DePalma, this is Houston: Mission to Dead Ass accomplished! This movie is one slow sumbitch.
Tomorrow Never Dies
Tomorrow never dies… but I wish James Bond would. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the old 007 flicks. I just think that the recent incarnations have become far too preposterous to go on living. When the fuck did James Bond become god?
Blue Streak
Can anyone tell me why Martin Lawrence is famous? It can’t be because he’s funny, since he clearly is not. Perhaps he blew Eddie Murphy with the understanding that Eddie would make him famous by sticking him in a few movies. I just don’t get it. His sitcom sucked, his stand-up act sucks, and his […]
Reindeer Games
Reindeer Games had two strikes against it before I even saw frame one. First, it was a friggin’ Christmas movie. Just what I need as Spring is arriving: a visual reminder of all the bills I have left over from all the useless holiday crap I bought my ungrateful relatives this Christmas. Second, I saw […]
The Whole Nine Yards
I went to see The Whole Nine Yards and dammit if a “wheezer” didn’t sit right behind me. You’ve all met a wheezer at some point in your lives. It’s the overweight man/woman, usually clad in a mu-mu, who gets winded merely by breathing.
Arlington Road
Combine “The ‘Burbs” with a Folgers Coffee/Dockers Pants commercial, chuck in a healthy dose of domestic terrorism, and you’ve got the recipe for Arlington Road.
Bicentennial Man
An android named Andrew (Robin Williams) develops feelings and wants to become human. Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnnggg. It’s the oldest story in the Sci-Fi book. I felt like I was watching a two and a half hour episode of Star Trek where Data gets emotions, but this time there were no Klingons to fly in, blow shit up […]
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