Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Over my years as a swingin’ film-critic, I’ve come to realize something extremely signigicant. Women are a lot like movies. I’ve banged a shitload of broads in my time, and I can’t escape the comparison. Continue reading

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Along Came a Spider

Along came a spider…and I swatted its ugly ass with the December issue of Juggs. Let’s get one thing straight. I admire Morgan Freeman. Even though from some angles he looks like a Maori tribesman on a three day bender, he’s still a competent actor who brings legitimacy to even the crappiest movie. Continue reading

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Tomb Raider

I’m sure some of you will be offended by this review. Continue reading

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Vertical Limit

Vertical Limit Starring Chris O’Donnell, Robin Tunney, Bill Paxton and Scott Glenn. Directed by Martin Campbell. Written by Robert King III. Run Time 124 minutes approx.

Vertical Limit is a cocktail of shite. “The Perfect Storm” with ice. And it’s a nasty concoction that will leave a bad taste in your mouth. Continue reading

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The Bachelor

If you look up “pathetic” in a dictionary published after 1999 you should see “The Bachelor” somewhere in the definition. Oh, by the way, does anyone else out there think Bryant Gumbel needs a sand wedge applied to the back of his big fuckin’ head about fifty times? Continue reading

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The Wedding Planner

There’s only one thing more predictable than Rufus risin’ up late in the morning and pinchin’ a loaf the size of French bread…yes, it’s “The Wedding Planner.” Continue reading

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Hannibal

To say that Americans are obsessed with serial murder is something of an understatement. You can’t swing a dismembered prostitute over your head anywhere in this country without hitting a dozen books, movies, and investigative TV shows that deal with the topic. Continue reading

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The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

OK, I’ve seen a LOT of movies throughout my life. That’s not to say that I’ve necessarily seen more than YOU (I have), but let’s just say that a video rental store is completely useless to me, except for the New Release section. Continue reading

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Pitch Black

I did not start out on the right foot with Pitch Black. To begin with, some joker at the video store put Pitch Black in the African-American porn section. Imagine my disappointment when, expecting “Gangbangers IV- the Crips Take Vassar,” I was instead subjected to the bargain-basement sci-fi which is Pitch Black. Continue reading

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The Perfect Storm

I’ll make this quick:

1. Marky Mark sucks. I can’t quite put my finger on it but he’s unqualified to portray anyone outside of a whack-job porn star. Continue reading

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