911

Everyone calm down, forchristsake. Rufus is unhurt. You can stop building that shrine to my memory.

Here’s the deal: According to speculation amongst the “intelligence” community, some smelly motherfucker who wears a Pizza Hut tablecloth on his head decided to blow up buildings the lowlanders take pictures of whilst saying, “Marge, that’s one tall building.” Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

The Ninth Gate

The Ninth Gate or Why People Who Are Exiled Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Attempt An Avante Garde Movie Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Planet of the Apes

Alright, all the fellas in the house! gimme a HO! if you want to knock the bottom out of some hot chimp pussy! Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Planet of the Apes

Here go the Dilly-O: Make ONE decent flick in hollywoodland – just one film that makes enough to cover the executive producer’s budget for squirting transvestite hookers, Quaaludes, and Chivas – and your ass is set like a motherfucker. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Unbreakable

OK, so I know I haven’t been reviewing movies lately. I’ve been out of the trenches for nearly a year, writing the highly successful “Ask Octavia” column, which has earned me quite the impressive salary (roughly $0, American) Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

The Hole

The Hole aka After the Hole (US) aka Secluded Empty Space (South Africa, Europe) Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Bring It On

Directed by Peyton Reed, Written by Jessica Bendinger, Starring Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Jesse Bradford, Gabrielle Union. Duration 98 minutes

Having never been a car mechanic or a TV repair man, I have no idea of the lives they lead. Apparently, it’s not all sex. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

State & Main

Have you ever made a videotape of yourself spanking your marsupial, and then turned around and jacked off while watching yourself jack off? Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Lost Souls

The title itself is as nonsensical as the movie, as there is no mention of any ‘souls’ anywhere in the film, and the only thing that gets ‘lost’ is 90 minutes of your valuable life span. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Get Carter

Pretend your wife (or husband) cooks for you, and one day makes a meal that you despise. But not only is the meal awful, but your lack of interest has helped to create about a week’s worth of leftovers. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment