Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Are the Skywalkers genetically predisposed to clenching their fists and yelling “Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!” whenever they hear tragic news? Continue reading

Posted in movies that rock | 2 Comments

The Whole Ten Yards

What do you get when you cross an episode of Scooby Doo and Three’s Company? The Whole Ten Yards. Think about it…a gaggle of jackass “mob” bad-guys affecting bad accents that don’t exist, and funny, semi-attractive people from Los Angeles who hide things from each other, ending in wacky hi-jinks and a plot that should have been contained in 22 minutes. And the Regal Beagle is in Mexico. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Juwanna Mann

As I sat and watched the credits roll on Juwanna Mann, I couldn’t make up my mind what was more unbelievable: that I actually made it to the credits, that a man could successfully disguise himself and play in a women’s basketball league, or that the WNBA could fill an entire arena with screaming fans. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | 2 Comments

Signs

No matter how compelling the human drama, how sharply drawn the characters, how turbulent and suspenseful the conflict, nothing can make me overlook the fact that aliens can warp here from another galaxy but can’t break into a fuckin’ basement.

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

40 Days and 40 Nights

Josh Hartnett must be shot before he tries to act again, we’ve got to take this fucker down. And I’m serious.

I don’t think there’s anything negative I can say about 40 Days and 40 Nights that wouldn’t come out as a severe understatement. To say that ‘fucking wretched’ is an understatement would be, itself, an understatement. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | 1 Comment

Minority Report

I wasn’t going to write this review originally. This was one of those rare cases where, even though I enjoyed the movie, I found myself grappling with some intangible problem, some unanswerable question that arose in my subconscious during the show. I couldn’t quite pin it down while it was happening, but it hit me later like a ton of bricks. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

XXX

Be it introduced into the moviesthatsuck.com legislature that…

Whereas the letter “X” has been abused repeatedly for the last decade in advertising, television and cinema; I hereby move that we ban the letter “X” from the English and any other alphabet that has a letter which sounds or even fucking looks like “X” Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Yo, peep this my peeps: Every romantic comedy is the same. Sure, some of the details in between are different, but in the end you know the two are going to have a fight, then makeup, then get together again and live in harmonious bliss: IT’S PURE, UNADULTERATED HOLLYWOOD BULLSHIT! Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

The Pianist

When Mrs. Froman said she wanted to see The Pianist, I hauled ass to the bathroom, splashed on a little smell-good, lathered my nether-regions in avacado/cucumber extract, and donned my tear-away thong. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment

Maid in Manhattan

Some people marry for money, some for love. Me? For shitty movies. Shaniqua wants to go see it? I guarantee it sucks. Maid in Manhattan doesn’t disappoint. Neither does Shaniqua’s ability to spit shine my shoes and make the bed. Continue reading

Posted in movies that suck | Leave a comment