The Blair Witch Project

While the concept of The Blair Witch Project is genuinely original, the movie itself hardly deserves such praise as “scariest movie ever made” or “work of genre-redefining brilliance.” Okay, so it’s a great idea. A great idea that never comes close to its potential. In fact, it sucks. Continue reading

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I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Before I start ripping Jennifer Love Hewitt a new poop chute, I thought I’d answer a fan letter: Continue reading

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Can’t Hardly Wait

There are a few things you can count on in this world.

1. Car dealers are slimy fucks who would rather fuck your eyeballs out than tell you the truth.
2. Women put emotion before logic. Period.
3. 99.9% of all high school movies suck ass. Continue reading

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Eye of The Beholder

The world needs another crappy serial killer flick like I need more tooth decay. Well, sonofabitch if I didn’t go to the dentist yesterday and find an oozing pustule on upper bicuspid #2. I got a cavity, and the world got Eye of the Beholder. Continue reading

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Meet Joe Black

Since I’m new here at moviesthatsuck.com, our publisher wanted to make sure the first movie I reviewed was one of such abhorrent nature it would harden me for years to come, thereby making it possible for me to withstand any shitty movie that comes my way. Continue reading

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Eyes Wide Shut

Neither Nicole Kidman’s tits nor countless scads of other gratuitous nudity are worth the price or time it takes to sit through Eyes Wide Shut. This poorly written excuse for movie in all its surrealistic non-glory plays more like a bad Saturday Night Live skit or a Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman episode. Continue reading

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Belly

Belly is not a movie. It’s a two hour long rap video. Despite dismissing Belly as cartoon-like tripe within five minutes, I did come away with some useful information from this MTV-spawned abomination. Continue reading

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Mickey Blue Eyes

Farce in which Hugh Grant plays an art auctioneer who gets engaged to the daughter of a mob boss. Knee-slapping hijinks ensue as Grant must drop his hoity-toity accent and become mobster Mickey Blue Eyes. Continue reading

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Instinct

Instinct, or “Tarzan Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” is the story of an anthropologist (Anthony Hopkins), who, after living with gorillas in Africa for a couple of years, gets sent to prison for killing some African park rangers with a club. Continue reading

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The Talented Mr. Ripley

OK, let me get the good shit about The Talented Mr. Ripley out of the way first: good acting, spectacular Italian scenery, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth can do no wrong in my book. Continue reading

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