Ready to Rumble

OK. Let’s shoot straight from the hip here. If you’re a heterosexual male, and are a fan of professional wrestling, you secretly desire to chug cock. Not just run-of-the-mill, pasty accountant cock though. Big, meaty, overly tanned wiener is what you crave. Continue reading

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In Dreams

Abe Froman, pass the dirty belt sander. I’m ready for my homemade circumcision. You can even meander longinly over my swollen purple-headed warrior with the Black & Decker contractor’s grade model. Continue reading

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Practical Magic

Un-funny, un-touching nonsense about the crappy love lives of two witch sisters (Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman). Seems like every time one of ’em falls in love, their significant other decides to take a pre-mature dirt nap. Continue reading

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For The Love of The Game

So, Kevin Costner makes yet another dumbass baseball movie, eh? Well, I’m truly thankful that he has done this. Seriously. I was hurting for something to review this week, so this putrid waste of 138 minutes was just the remedy I needed. Continue reading

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Shakespeare in Love

by Esther Rodham-Origami

One of the most endearing and intelligent romantic comedies of the ’90s, the Oscar-winning Shakespeare in Love is filled with such good will, sunny romance, snappy one-liners, and devilish cleverness that it’s absolutely irresistible. With tongue placed firmly in cheek, at its outset the film tracks young Will Shakespeare’s overwrought battle with writer’s block and the efforts of theater owner Philip Henslowe (Geoffrey Rush, in rare form) to stage Will’s latest comedy………….

“WOMAN!!! Get the fuck off of that there ‘puter!!!” Continue reading

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Beloved

Man, this movie chews major phallus. I’m talking Paul Bunyan-sized phallus here. Have you ever watched The Shining, and near the end the director thought it’d be a good idea to throw in an arbitrary shot of a guy in a dog suit givin’ the old butler a blow job? Continue reading

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Romeo Must Die

It started innocently enough. I heard Jet Li had a new flick out, and I was curious to see what his newest venture had to offer. Mrs. Origami and I jumped into the ol’ horse and buggy and set out to experience this student of Wu Shu and Peking Opera in his first starring role in an American film. Continue reading

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Pushing Tin

First of all, I really wanted to like this movie. And I tried to. Honestly, I did. Normally, I’m a big fan of John Cusack. But this should have been called “Pushing Stool”; by the time this wretched muck that called itself a movie mercifully ended, the viewer felt like they’d taken one right up near where their wallet used to be and thought, “Damn, I feel bow-legged, my chute aches, my back is sticky I didn’t even get the courtesy of a reach-around”. Man, this is bad… Continue reading

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Lethal Weapon 4

The horse is now a red spot.

Who is funding this crap and how do we go about stopping it? Now that I pause to think, a better question would be: Is there any way to find and sterilize the people who watched Lethal Weapons 1, 2 and 3 (thereby facilitating no. 4) so that they’ll never reproduce? Continue reading

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The Story of Us

“Kind of like ‘The Story of O’, only completely different….”

Well, I’ll be a greased Jesus! Bruce Willis stars in yet another gastly movie! Whatta ya know? Sure, he briefly drifted away from his “suck” roots when he made “The Sixth Sense”, a critical and box office hit (Hell, even I liked it. The little boy did an outstanding job, and if he doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, I’m going to burn my enema bag in protest). Continue reading

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