Mission: Impossible 2

Mission Impossible wants to be the new James Bond series so bad it’s not even funny. I guess Tom Cruise hasn’t looked lately at the rotting compost heap the 007 flicks have become (see my review of Tomorrow Never Dies). Mission Impossible 2 has on advantage over the new Bond movies though. The only precedent it has to overcome is Mission Impossible 1. Too bad that’s a movie which kicks this stupid sequel ALL in the ass. Continue reading

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Drive Me Crazy

Uh…When did Melissa Joan Hart get chubby? Did I miss a meeting? I wasn’t informed of this. So I was blind-sided when I saw her in “Drive Me Crazy” and realized that the reason they produced this DVD in widescreen to accomodate her ever expanding ass. Continue reading

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Out of Towners

Before I begin this scathing vitriol on a movie so incredibly appalling that I wanted to close my eyes and ears and go “Hmmmm, La La…Hmmmm, I’m not listening…la la la…”, I wanted to say hello to some friends in Australia. So, uh…hello. Continue reading

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The Muse

Ouch. This one hurt a little. I love Albert Brooks, so the fact that I’m about to tear his movie apart causes a bit of salt water to well-up in my eyes (not the glass one, though; I lost all feeling in that eye socket after the light bulb incident…never mind, I don’t want to talk about it) Just remember, Albert: I’m doing this for your own good. This will hurt me more than it’ll hurt you… Continue reading

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10 Things I Hate About You

This will be short, but sweet kids. Here are the 10 things I hated about “10 Things I Hate About You” Continue reading

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End of Days

To paraphrase Ahnold from the kick-ass film, ‘Predator’; “If it sucks, we can film it!” Continue reading

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Three to Tango

I was perusing the video store this weekend purposly looking for a steaming turd in which to warn you about, and Three To Tango was the exact remedy for my situation. Continue reading

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Superstar

Every century or so I make a mistake of global proportions. Well, boys and girls,Master Origami just screwed the pooch again! Superstar! SUPERSTAR! Continue reading

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The Bone Collector

This actually happened. As I was leaving the theater after enduring the Bone Collector, a tall man wearing a baseball cap and sporting a huge handlebar moustache approached me in the parking lot. He wanted to make a deal. He offered me fifty dollars to sit through the Bone Collector again, or he could kick me in the nuts. Without a moment’s hesitation, I spread my legs and said, “Have at the nads Rollie Fingers.” Continue reading

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Stuart Little

Blowing the plot for you is a quick blessing so here it goes: Ozzie and Harriet adopt a mouse to increase their tax write off 1.01 children. The older sibling is not pleased, but the witty well-dressed mouse wins him over. Continue reading

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