Have you ever left the theater and thought to yourself, “Man, I’d like to take my $7.50 out of that screenwriter’s ass…” or “Feelgood hit of the summer my bunghole, that movie sucked!”
If so, this site is for you.
We won’t be reviewing the Citizen Kanes of the world here. There are tons of websites devoted to non-sucking movies already. We won’t be talking about crappy B-movies either. By definition, they are crappy. Everyone knows they suck. That’d be like us grabbing the nearest homeless person and yelling, “Hey everybody, this guy smells like piss!”
No revelation there.
What we will be exposing are those insidious Hollywood productions that somehow dupe every sycophantic film critic into writing stuff like “It’s a SEXY thrillride!” in every movie ad on the planet. And then when you go see it, it’s neither sexy nor thrilling. Just more formulaic retch from the schlock mills of Moviedom.
Oh yeah… we curse alot too. It’s not that we want to be profane. But godammit, sometimes the stuff that Hollywood tries to foist on the public under the guise of entertainment just makes me want to rattle off a string of “fucks” ten yards long. Think of these scatological occurrences not as profanity, but rather as “verbal eyeopeners”. If you encounter some four-letter words, gather the kids ’round the monitor, explain to them what “bullshit” means in context, and consider yourselves a little more educated than when you started.
What criteria must a movie meet before we consider it “sucky”? There are a number of factors that automatically make a movie suck in our opinion:
- an ad appears anywhere, in any medium, touting a movie as a “SEXY thrillride”
- we can guess any three lines of dialogue before they are actually spoken in the movie (only one line is necessary for suckage if that line happens to be “I used to fuck guys like you in prison”)
- we laugh aloud at scenes that are supposed to be heartwarming, tearjerking, etc.
- suspension of reality is so severe that it requires a vocal outburst in the theater (villain misses Bruce Willis at point blank range with an Uzi, but conveniently shatters shitloads of plate-glass windows) and
- at the end of the movie, the only expression that can sum up the movie we just saw is “WHAT THE FUCK?!!”
Bear in mind that these are just a few of the more tangible reasons for declaring that a movie sucks. Some movies just suck because they can’t help it. You can’t quite put your finger on the exact cause of suckiness. You just know with the clarity of Buddha that you should’ve kept your money in your pocket and better spent your time teasing out your butt hair or washing your cat. Hopefully, this website can help you out.
Just for the record, the suckiest movie we’ve run across yet is “Road House” starring Patrick Swayze. It actually meets ALL the criteria we’ve set forth above… a feat that is unlikely to distinguish any other crappy movie anytime soon. Now that you know where we’re coming from and where we’re going… on to the reviews!