Three Kings

If I were an Iraqi, and I saw the movie Three Kings, I believe I would tender my immediate resignation to 7-11 Inc., and begin an intense letter-writing campaign to the Warner Brothers movie division.

Three Kings is about three US Gulf War soldiers (Clooney, Wahlberg, Cube) who find a treasure map in a man’s ass (no, I’m not making that up). The map reveals the location of scads of Kuwaiti war booty including Rolls Royces, gold bullion, jewelry, and cell phones. The three kings, figuring that a few Americans can whip the entire Iraqi army, decide to go steal the gold.

If Three Kings is to be believed, it’s a damn good thing that the average Iraqi is so dexterous at the controls of a Slush Puppy machine. Becasue Iraqi soldiers are portrayed as cowardly, subordinate sheep who buckle at the first sound of gunfire. And Iraqi citizens don’t fare much better.(Both groups are redeeemed, however, by the fact that they will understand English if you yell it at them long and loud enough.) Now that I think about it, American soldiers aren’t cast in the best light either. They are largely presented as undisciplined, nerf-football-throwing fuck-ups.

C’mon!Everyone knows our boys don’t have nerf footballs in the field. Nothing but real pigskin for our boys.

The most ridiculous scene comes when Wahlberg is being held prisoner in an Iraqi underground bunker. He finds a cache of stolen cell phones so he grabs one and quickly dials up his wife to tell her he loves her. Errrr….she was in fucking Detroit! My cell phone barely works in my car underneath the goddamn cell tower, much less in an Iraqi pillbox.

I spent most of Three Kings trying to figure out why they were stealing the gold, how they were going to move it, how they’d hide it, how they’d get it home, why the director thought so many steadicam quick-zooms were necessary, why Ice Cube didn’t pour out any Olde English on the oil wells for his dead Army homies, why I was falling asleep halfway through the movie, and why, when I woke up, I craved beef jerky and a big-ass cola slushy.

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