The Cell

I have a nasty little secret.

White people scare the livin’ shit outta me.

Now, I’m a 6’4″ black man with a voice so deep it’d make Barry White blubber like a little bitch. Intimidating white folks is an autonomic function for me, like breathing or blinking my eyes. It just happens. I don’t think about it, and rarely put any extra effort into it.

So how do white people turn the tables on Ray Compton and put the fear of God on me?

Simple. By making fucked up movies like The Cell.

The Cell is about the inner workings of the mind of a serial killer. And let me tell you right away that I know for a fact that no black people were involved in making this movie. No fucking way. Why do think there are no black serial killers? Because our mommas would have killed us first, that’s why. But damn if white people aren’t fascinated with ’em.

You’d have to be one sick motherfucker just to dream up some of the twisted shit in The Cell. If I were in the FBI, I’d investigate the people reponsible for this movie. Because if they haven’t killed someone yet, they’ve obviously thought long and hard about it. And they need to be taken off the street before they target my black ass for one of their ritualistic slayings.

Check this out. The killer in The Cell has has rings implanted in the flesh of his back and legs. He suspends himself from those rings with hooks, and jacks off over the corpses of his victims.

In case you didn’t get that: dude pumps the shotgun on a corpse while hanging from meathooks.

No. You didn’t hear me. I said: THE MOTHERFUCKER BEATS WILLY LUMP LUMP SENSELESS WHILE HANGING FROM HOOKS AND LOOKING AT A DEAD BITCH!

Goddamn, white people scare me. This movie scares me. I was so freaked out coming out of the theater that I pulled some kung fu shit on my own shadow. Hiiiyaaaahh!! I whirled around ready to massacre some peckerwood who thought he’d be stroking his jimmy over the dead body of Ray Compton.

Shit, take your nasty little serial killer movie and get back in the house. You nine inch nails listenin’, Marilyn Manson lookin’, black wearing, needing a suntan motherfuckers.

Okay, now I’m all pissed off. Leave me alone before I break all you crackers off something proper up in here. Or maybe I’ll just turn on the light on all your ugly vampire asses…

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