Beyond the Mat

Starring Jake Roberts, Mick Foley and Vince McMahon. Produced by Barry Blauenstein Run time: Whenever you wake up, if it ain’t over, go back to sleep.

Okay, just a quick point before I begin. I did not intentionally go to see a film about professional wrestlers! A certain twist of fate led me to the local Uniplex cinema. For all the Manchester United fans out there, that means only ONE screen. This cinema is around 13 miles from my home. Usually, as they only have one screen, they will work the film on a rotation basis, showing a different film each night. This also ensures that they have a full house for each performance. 13 miles IS a long way to go, but since there’s always a good atmosphere and the ticket lady is a 19 year old blonde with 34 DD breasts, I would crawl there on my hands and knees.

I wandered down expecting Chicken Run, which I am reliably informed will never make it onto this site.(Chicken Run fascinates me by the way. In the US you always have the British guy as the bad guy, over here we have the American as the good guy – why???)But as I approached the cinema, imagine my horror: Beyond The Mat. How gay? But really – allow me to explain!

My son on Saturday mornings will happily watch WWF and allow me to rest after a hard week of alcoholism and drug dealing to the ho’s I pimp, so I was intrigued. My £5 of hard-earned cash was handed over. As the ticket was passed to me, the doors were bolted shut, the 19 year old blonde with massive tits ducked behind the counter, and it went dark. The only light to be seen was above the entrance to the one and only screen. In green neon, it read – “Beyond The Mat”. I swallowed hard and ventured into homosexuality.

The film begins with a repressed homosexual regressing (masturbating) over the days when he would watch wrestling in B&W before going to bed at 6pm. Then the madness (boredom) begins. He assures us that the fighting is not real (No!) and that the wrestlers are actors in a movie. We see behind the scenes of the WWF in which an applicant, who’s name is “Puke,” is vomiting into a bucket on Vince McMahons desk. Because he does this, he is hired. (Why didn’t I get the job when I pissed in the interviewers coffee?) We see behind the scenes of ECW where an old man called Terry Funk doesn’t know when to give up. We also see behind the scenes of Jake The Snake Robert’s life.

I remember some time ago, when I was 12 or 13 years old I would unashamedly watch WWF and act out the moves on my 8 year old brother. Now he’s 19 and built like a brick shithouse, so its out of the question. But in those days, everyone in school would copy the wrestlers, slamming each other and doing the DDT and the Tombstone. Apparently, if we had scored coke, amphetamines and fucked prostitutes, we would have been more accurate.

The film itself showed very little wresting and focused greatly on the has-beens. Jake is now a crack head and serving 4 years for defaulting on his maintenence payments. Terry Fuckwit has retired and Mick Foley is taking more time to be with his family.

In the theatre as I looked around I saw shadows. Rather than he usual war cry of “‘scuse me mate, yer in me seat!”, It was “Here, please sit here so I can climb out of a window.” Alas, there were no windows and I, unlike Jake the Snake, could find no solace in crack. (Obvious gay reference resisted). I am left an empty shell of a man. There was a certain amount of inspiration by the Blair Witch Project. I wish that this fucker had gone missing and the film be buried, except this time forever!

We can now await the sequel, a documetary which follows Michael Jackson’s struggle to write the song “Ben.” It will be called “Beyond the Rat”. Jamiriqui will be in the third, “Beyond the Hat.” And don’t forget Ginger Calypso has already started filming “Beyond the Twat,” showing that there will be more to Manchester United after Fergie leaves.

If I have beaten around the bush a little I must apologise. I can see the attraction with the WWF for queers. It’s what they like, a hot sweaty ring full of shit! This film was WANK. If there IS a lesson to be learned from this movie – always check press for details!

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