The Love Letter

Question: Do you know what I like in a good romantic comedy? First of all, SOME comedy, and at least a LITTLE touching romance. “The Love Letter” offers neither of these…

Another question: Do you know what IS funny about “The Love Letter”? Watching Ellen “Cooter-Lickin’ Good” Degeneres attempt to play a straight woman. It’s so damn hysterical. If you’ve ever seen her kiss a man on screen, she looks like she’s being forced to tongue a camel’s ball bag or something. She couldn’t look more uncomfortable if you stuck her strap-on deep inside of her inner ear.

One more question: If you found an unsigned love letter in between the couch cushions of your business furniture, would you be so vain to actually believe it was meant for you? I mean, I’ve found used rubbers in between the cushions on the bus but I didn’t naturally assume that I had inadvertently gotten laid without remembering it. But that’s what happens here: Kate Capshaw finds a love letter stuck in her couch and assumes it to be authored by her collegiate employee. Then there is a series of misunderstandings when Johnny (her employee) sees the letter and thinks that SHE wrote it to HIM, and starts quoting it back to HER, so then she REALLY thinks he wrote it, and her reaction then forces Johnny to REALLY think that SHE wrote it (Oh, my side…too funny…) OH, and then Chrissy hears Jack talk about grooming his cat, and she thinks he wants to shave her pus…no, wait….That’s a “Three’s Company” episode I watched the other day.

There are so many things wrong with this movie, I just don’t have the space or the desire to list them all. But I will tell you what really just irritates the shit out of me regarding this movie:

1. The plot is SOOOO predictable. It’s like watching the “Harry Houdini Story” or whatever. You know how it’s going to end, yet you watch it anyway. You think to yourself, “Don’t get in that tank of water, Harry! You won’t make it out.” But then faster than you can say “Abra-Cadaver!” he’s worm food. It’s the same thing here. You think, “Surely to Myrna Loy this won’t end the way I think. It’s got to have an interesting twist or something.” But no. Hell no. Hell shit no. Hell shit damn piss no. (OK, I’m getting carried away with the swearing. But I know that my mom is reading this, so I just wanted to make her mad for a second…)

2. The characters are uninteresting. For example: The writers wanted to make you feel sorry for Kate Capshaw’s character at the beginning because she’s sad, lonely, etc. But her “poor me” act doesn’t fly (possibly due to Kate’s poor acting ability), so to care about her? That is just one rat’s ass I simply cannot give.

Basically, Kate Capshaw should stick to doing what she does best; just be “Mrs. Spielberg” and leave us the hell alone. Doesn’t she have like 6 kids with him? Isn’t that enough to keep her busy? And Ellen should just fade into obscurity like a good little dyke and leave the acting to her life partner, Anne Heche. And let’s leave the “misunderstandings” plot to the people who know how to do it best: the fine writers of “Three’s Company.”

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