Wild Wild West

After sitting through this “Wild Wild Waste” on HBO last night, I almost didn’t even take the time to write a review on it. I thought, “Surely to Heaven we already feature this piece of monkey dung on the website.” But then while perusing moviesthatsuck.com, I was shocked and stunned to find that this “Whopping Whopping Washout” was nowhere to be found. This leaves me a bit relieved, since it gives me a chance to lament for a while on how incredibly bad this movie is. But it left me a bit flabbergasted that we hadn’t reviewed this movie before. I was concerned that somehow we had overlooked this box-office bomb. I have since come to the conclusion that all of our writers did exactly as I had done: we assumed that everyone knew that “Wild Wild West” sucked, so no one bothered to put a review up on it. But I believe we would be remiss had we not included it on our site, the most complete guide to shitty movies on the internet. So here we go…

As we all know, “Wild Wild West” is based on the TV show from the 60’s about a Civil War era federal marshal James West (originally played by Robert Conrad). In the 90’s version, we’re forced to accept Will Smith in this role. But what makes me cry “Bullshit!” is this: First of all, I don’t believe that there is any record of a black federal marshal in the late 1800s. And if he did exist, he damn sure didn’t dress like a 1970’s-era pimp while making clever, smart-ass remarks all the time, and he didn’t nail someone like Salma Hayek. What would indeed have happened is he would have been lynched faster than you can cry, “He said the sheriff is near!” (For those mouth-breathers who said, “Uh, I didn’t get that”…that was a Blazing Saddles reference. Go rent it, and come back to me when you’re better educated.)

Now I like Will Smith a lot. I think he’s generally funny, and he’s a good role model. But he was simply miscast in the movie. Even the original James West (Conrad) backs me up on this. But Will was only part of the problem in this “Mild Mild Mess”. Kevin Kline is painfully unfunny here. Salma Hayek displays her normally abhorent acting ability (so at least SHE didn’t disappoint). But to be fair, Hayek was only used in the film for the T & A factor. So she served her purpose. And not to mention that the writing and interesting plot was absent.

I guess that Barry Sonnenfeld (who directed), just needed an excuse to work with Will Smith again, so he went for the “Let’s make a movie out of an ancient television show” idea. It’s the same theory as they use in pop music. Re-make a certified hit, and you have a better chance of getting a hit yourself. But, guess what Barry? It didn’t work. Oops. Quick! Regroup and make a movie out of the Barney Miller-spinoff “Fish”, but this time use Martin Lawrence to play Abe Vigoda’s part! That’s bound to work! (God knows it couldn’t be any worse than this pile of horse shit)

This whole movie is spent relying in great amounts on special effects and the overuse of easy-to-spot blue screen shots, the typical Hollywood bullshit that we’ve come to think of as the norm. Why isn’t some of the money being spent on competent writers, instead of 200-foot giant mechanical tarantulas and buffets for the stars’ personal assistants? Ask Big Willie. Maybe he’ll write a rap for us and explain it all…

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One Response to Wild Wild West

  1. c coderre says:

    Even the earlier tv shows was one one of the stupidest ever broadcast. Don’t remember if this was ABC or not-possible as that network (crooked as all hell) was always broadcasting total junk since its founding (also croked & conspiratorial)

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