The House on Haunted Hill

Starring Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Ali Larter, Brigette Wilson. Directed by William Malone, Produced by Joel Silver and Robert Zemekis.

The House On The Haunted Hill is a scary movie. Its scary in a number of ways. Its scary that they can get a group of established actors to act this badly. Its scary that they can get these actors to agree to this script, its also scary that they managed to stretch this fucker over 2 hours long. The scariest part is that Famke Janssen’s thighs and breasts, once again cost me £5. Foolish me.

The film is loosely based on the 1958 film of the same name. When the film finished it felt that the 31 year gap between the films had elapsed.

In 1931 Dr Vannacutt conducted experiments in his House on a Hill, it was known as the Vannacutt Institute for the Criminally Insane. He would torture the inmates and batter them, until one day they take over the asylum and kill the doctors, nurses and each other. The confinement wings of the building are burned to the ground, but the solid foundations and structure of the building mean that 68 years later, it can be bought and turned into a fun house for a millionaire….WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!

Cut to 1999. Steven Price (Rush), is the 7th richest man in the world, making his money from the most successful string of theme parks in history. He is addicted to scaring people. In this vein, he arranges a birthday party for his estranged wife, Evelyn (Janssen) at the Vannacutt Institute which he has bought to turn into a theme ride house of horror. This takes 2 mins to explain in print, 35 minutes on screen. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT !

When the guests arrive (Diggs, Larter and Wilson, to name a few) it turns out that they are not the people invited on the guest list, but they ARE the people who receive the invites! None of this really freaks anyone out? They know his name from the papers and TV, yet when the 7th richest man in the world invites you to his wife’s birthday party, it must make you think! When you find out that it is in a big fuck off old house that was destroyed after a fire killed everyone there. When you realise that there no other houses in the area and the other guests don’t know why they’re there either – It’s time to walk – but guess what they don’t! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!

As the plot (?) unfolds, people die in gory accidents and strange events frighten people. People attribute this to Price trying to scare them and he and his wife think that it is each other, when really – wait for it – It is the evil Dr Vannacutt from the grave, writing out RSVPs, scaring, maiming and even at some points killing. The guests were invited because they are all distant relations of the staff who died at the hospital in 1931. Hello, bad soap opera storylines, bad script and even worse effects.

This film did disturb me, it disturbs me that they will NOT give me my money back, it disturbs me that I will never get those two hours back, but most of all it disturbs me that people will pay money to rent this shit….Well I have done my best to warn you all.

Disobeying my thoughts and renting this movie will wreak my vengeance…mind you if you DO watch the film, it’s punishment enough !!!!

Chris aka Marmalade McStiffer

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