Gone in Sixty Seconds

What is the first thing that comes to mind when I go see a movie about stealing cars? That’s right. Car chases. Then car crashes. And also some damn cool cars. Cars that I will never be able to own, but will at least be able to drool over. So, knowing this movie would suck, I was hoping for a little Ronin-type wreckin and stick work. No such luck.

There was only sucky acting (Nick Cage, go figure), weak pale British (why are they always British?) “bad” guys who build furniture (furniture? don’t bad guys usually build atomic bombs or earthquake-triggering devices?) and no good car chases at all. The entire movie we wait and wait for the big dumb heist. Unfortuntately we have to wade through at least an hour of boring-ass stake outs, cheesy one-liners (note “non” sex scene in the car with Nick and Angelina Jolie… “ooh baby, too bad the stick always gets in the way…”) and woefully bad police work trying to catch the theives before they can make the big move.

Oh yes, don’t forget the worst moment of all… when Nick (“Memphis”) launches a Shelby Mustang about 300 feet over an L.A. wreck site on a bridge. I really love it when directors don’t actually do a stunt, but string together about six or seven different shots instead. Man, that always looks sooooo real. Not to mention the “ahhh ahhh AHHHHH” choral music in the background. That REALLY made it believable and just…so…emotional. I couldn’t tell if the audience was laughing at how utterly bad this scene was, or crying because they had spent $7 to watch this craphole excuse of a movie.

I feel really sorry for everyone who had to sit through this. To think, people actually make money off this kind of shit. The horror. The one car we get to see the most is this fucking green BMW. Come on! We want ferraris, porsches, corvettes and NS-Xs all flying through downtown L.A., running innocents off the road, blowing shit up. Throw in a bad-ass sportbike or something. Anything! Anything to save us from this utterly suck-ass movie.

You agree to make a movie about stealing cars, but leave out decent car chases and obligatory exotic vehicles? What kind of a sick world is this?

Oh yeah. It’s Jerry Bruckheimer’s. Dammit!

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