Being John Malkovich

“Rock’s Chosen Warrior” disliked this film so much that he switched to WWF highlights. The Rock is more entertaining. He has decided that he, “The Lightening of Lancaster” will be the next WWF superstar. Therefore, “The Amish Tornado” shall conduct his reviews accordingly. He shall speak of himself in the third person!!!

Master Origami was interested in seeing this critically acclaimed story of a puppeteer (Master of Puppets?), some office slut, and his roody poo wife. If you wanna put Cameron Diaz in a flick, The Amish One says this, it’s cool, just don’t piss him off with some art school monkey crap! Master O says this, he wants to see acting, drama, he wants to see some of that Something about Mary poontang pie!!!

Being John Malkovich also stars John Cusack, John Malkovich, and some other candy ass Hollywood types. “The Big O” can’t remember what the other chick’s name was. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HER NAME IS!!! She was a hoe, and the “Mennonite Marauder” likes gardening implements.

The story goes like this; John Cusack is a talented yet unemployed puppeteer who is a loser. His wife, Cameron Diaz (looked like shit) has a small zoo growing in their apartment, with birds, lizards, and chimps. Oh My! The only thing she didn’t have was “The Amish Goat”!! She pressures him into getting a real job. So Cusack applies for a job as a filing clerk. That’s the same kinda job Lorne Michaels should get. So this Jabroni applies for the job, arrives at the building only to find that the office is on the 7 1/2 floor. Oooh! Creepy! Uh Duh!

Cusack gets the job and shortly finds a hidden door. He travels through it and finds himself inside John Malkovich. 15 minutes later he winds up falling out of the sky onto the New Jersey turnpike. He tells some bitch at work, who he’s in love with, about it and she decides they should sell tickets to people to be inside of John Malkovich. “The People’s Farmer” says this; if you wanna be inside John Malkovich, wait till he gets arrested. Get a cell with him. Turn your head sideways, AND STICK IT UP HIS CANDY ASS!!!

While all of this is going on, Cam takes the trip inside Malkovich, and discovers that she’s a repressed lesbo. Maxine, the bimbo that Hoops (Cusack) wants to bone, gets turned on and arranges to screw Malkovich while Diaz is inside of him. They fall in love but Max only wants Cam while she’s John Malkovich. The “Amish One” started to get a headache at this point.

The “Big O” know that his fans, who are in the tens (SCREAM: “and twenties”), want to know, does the “Mennonite Madman” insinuate that this movie sucks? You bet your roody pooh candy asses it does!!! The “Amish One” wanted to jump into the mystery machine, drive all the way to California, walk up to the producers of this movie, and apply his devistating finishing move, “The People’s Butter Churn” on their sorry asses!!!

John Malkovich was great, as always, but not as great as ME!!! John Cusack should do some more of those awesome “One crazy summer/Better off dead films. Cameron Diaz Should take a bath and call Master Origami for some senual shiatsu massage. Everyone else should get a suplex!!!!!

On the Amish scale, the “People’s Farmer” gives this film 4 pitchforks. Now, The “Amish One” knows your wondering, why give this movie that many pitchforks? “The Big O” says this; BECAUSE HE SAID SO! NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND KNOW YOUR PLOW!!

If you wanna send mail to Master Origami, click on his name at the top, and send the “Amish Tornado” you’re inane ramblings.

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