Dog Soldiers

Written & Directed by Neil Marshall, Starring Sean Pertwee, Kevin McKidd & Emma Cleasby.
Run Time – 104 mins

Last weekend should have been a great one !

England finally conquered the grudge bearing, corned beef wielding, hand using, drug abound, greasy whining cheats – Argentina and Lennox Lewis took a little bitch, called Mike, into the ring and knocked the fucker out cold.

This should truly have been a great weekend for all things English……..Then this “pile o’shit” had to go and fuck it all up!

A team of elite soldiers on a training exercise disappears in Scotland. They have no radio contact and have not fired any distress signals – they are simply missing. Cue Captain Ryan and Sgt Wells to the rescue
on a recon mission. When they arrive in the Scottish Highlands, they find nothing but the massacred remains of the Alpha team. Suddenly they find themselves under attack by a team of beasts, who seem to be half man, half beast (A bit like Steffi Graf but with less facial hair).

In the true fashion of an elite fighting force, they do not bed down in a trench. They do not lay traps. They do not give supporting, suppressing fire. They do, however, run like the fucking wind as soon as anyone growls at them!

During the first attack, they discover the C.O. from the missing Platoon. He has had his stomach ripped open and is looking more and more of a likely winner for the “Queen Mother Lookalike Competition”.

Gathering their shit together and collecting their wounded colleagues, they make a break for it, only to be tracked down by the walking Alsations. As if by magic , a female Ranger appears and whisks them off in her Range Rover to a local cottage ready for them to make their last stand.

I find it hard to believe that given the “pop culture” in the Platoons scripting, none of them would know how to kill a werewolf, or even that if you are bitten or scratched you will become one. Have they even seen
an early Oliver Reed film?

Unbelievable still, is the fact that they don’t notice that a man with his entrails hanging out is getting progressively healthier and healthier with a set of gnashers that would look good on racehorse.

All of the above happens in the first 35 minutes or so. The rest of the movie essentially circles around petty arguments that a half decent script would have avoided like the plague. If you have already seen “Aliens”, “Butch and Sundance”, “Young Guns” and “Snow Dogs” then you have seen this film.

As far as the Dog Soldiers go, you don’t actually see them in their full glory. The makeup that is available for the creatures is so obviously a £10.99 rubber mask from Toys R Us. Also, the Dogs are only ever seen in incandescent moonlight, which is always piss poor and screams “Budget restraints!”. I am more scared of being chased by a smack tooting Snoopy, with Charlie Brown as his pimp, than I would by these fuckers.

In this film, you don’t see a great deal of the action, character sympathy or even a great deal of the werewolves. Nor do you see them:

Sniff each other’s arses
Cock their legs against every available tree.
Try and mount each other.
Bury their own shit under a mound of soil
They don’t even try and shag a human’s leg!
Hopefully this film will make it straight to a Sky or HBO channel and miss out the cinema and video shops everywhere. If ever you are stuck in the Scottish Highlands, surrounded by werewolves, just remember to:

Pick up two complete strangers even when you can’t trust the people you already know.
Minimise your chance of survival by stopping at the closest local farmhouse when you are traveling at high speed away from the danger.
Do not feed the strangers to the beasts while you and your mates run like fuck!
Do not kill the people within your perimeter who are changing into werewolves.
Fail to notice a change in the moon phase i.e. When the moon fucks off in daytime, use the fact that they are mortal soldiers without guns and kill them all!
Of all the things I find unbelievable about this film, the hardest part to swallow is that they had the cheek to take my fucking hard earned money with a straight face! Bastards!

So for all the praise heaped on the English this weekend, Beckham’s penalty kick, Lewis’ knockout punch etc….. One bad apple really does upset the cart. Save your money, watch the soccer, watch the boxing, fuck, even watch the grass grow on your front fucking lawn, but save 104 minutes and DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM!

Dog Soldiers is one sick little puppy in urgent need of a veterinarian to finally plug that little needle, putting it soundly to sleep forever.

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