Battlefield Earth

The story goes like this; it is the year 3000. The planet earth has been dominated by the Psychlos. A race of beings that are supposed to be a terrifying menace to all who oppose them. Instead, they look like a Klingon reggae band. John Travolta plays an alien boss who oversees the security aspect of the Psychlo mining colony. Forrest Whitaker plays his loyal sidekick, “Puff Daddy” Kerr. The costumes sucked. It looked like someone raided KISS’ wardrobe. Another thing, with such a big effects budget, couldn’t someone fix Forrest Whitaker’s eye? They gave him yellow contact lenses. Couldn’t someone Krazy Glue his left eye open??

So, mankind is facing extinction and has basically reverted back to their primitive origin. Living in caves, eating rats, whooping and grunting like chimps, letting their hair grow long, and not bathing. Basically, they look like the audience at a Springsteen concert. These dick heads think that gods built the cities that lay in ruin around them. So, one lone human, I don’t remember his name but he was that ass kickin’ sniper in “Saving Private Ryan”, decides to venture out into the “forbidden territory” to get food. He runs across two more assholes in a dilapidated miniature golf course. These three dorks get captured by the Psychlos and are sent to the “Human Processing Station”. So, our hero, “Slappy”, runs into the evil boss, Darth Maul. Sorry! This film ripped off so many other sci fi movies that I lost track of which one was being stolen from. Travolta, who by the way is a corrupt alien who just wants to leave earth, decides that they could save money for his company by using humans as slaves. Oh! Did I mention that the aliens are corporate executives? I guess not. Well kiddies, it seems that even in distant galaxies, Microsoft is still a monopoly.

Travolta and his cyclops try a little experiment; teach the dumb humans how to mine the planet for gold. So, Barbarino and his little band of alien sweathogs take Slappy and place him in “teaching machine” and basically give this retard a sci-fi “Hooked On Phonics” course. Slappy now knows how to speak their language, knows their customs, and can now successfully fill out his tax return. He informs the humans of the Psychlos dastardly plot. The humans grunted and picked their asses in response. Danny Zuko (Travolta) even teaches our hero how to fly their vehicles, which resembled flying “Beer Meisters”. The Psychlos kept referring to the humans as “Man-Animals” which sounds close to the W.A.S.P. song, “The Manimal”. That was kinda cool.

Slappy organizes the humans to stage a revolt. First, they fly to Fort Knox to get some gold to pacify the evil disco king. I’m not making this shit up!!! They flew from Colorado to Kentucky, without even bringing a map to get some gold. They load up on the gold and give half to Travolta, and then they fly to an abandoned military installation to load up on armament. Lo and behold, they find a hangar full of Harrier Jets and a flight simulator. Slappy puts one of the tribe dudes in the sim and tells him to teach the rest how to fly. Let’s stop and catch our breath for a minute. Remember that the year is 3000. Where did they get electricity? Wait! It’s gets better! The plan is to destroy a dome that surrounds the Psychlos’ base of operations, see; they can’t breathe our air unless it’s polluted which makes me wonder why they didn’t set up camp in Los Angeles. Anyway, while the dome is being destroyed, one of the human dudes is gonna teleport to the Psychlos planet with a nuclear warhead and destroy the planet. Slappy finds an ICBM and starts to dismantle the warhead. At which point did he learn nuclear physics or Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD)???

So they proceed with the plan, one dude tries to blow up the dome, it only cracks. He is then cornered by a Psychlos ship and is about to become toast, when all of a sudden, he pulls out a LAWS rocket, fires on the ship, it MISSES the ship, but miraculously it performs a 180-degree turn and hits the ship. Forrest Whitaker’s eye still doesn’t move. The human hoots and hollers like Tommy Lee after he got back together with his famous punching bag wife. Suddenly, three alien ships appear behind him and are about to fire, when in the distance, a squadron of Harriers appear with the dumb ass humans piloting. They fire their sidewinders at the ships and blow them up. Okay, plot point here. When did they learn how to load and arm the missiles? United States Marines log hundreds of hours in those fighters before they graduate from flight school. These monkey fucks did it in 10 minutes! That’s it. I’ve had enough. There are NO redeeming qualities about the film. This is the worst movie I’ve seen in this century. I’m gonna go smoke some crack and beat my wife. Mad Love!

The Big “O”

P.S. Let’s get some more mail coming in people! I want mail! If I don’t get it, I’ll send Rufus to your house to steal your hubcaps!

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