The Mummy

The cuneiform writings warned of a 3000 year old curse…

A curse that brought with it a plague of boredom, characterized by chronic yawning, festering ass boils, and frequent testicle re-shiftage…

The ancient tablets foretold that the curse would take the form of a big-budget “movie” from the land of “Hollywood,” and that when it arrived, the masses would have to endure a terror unlike any other. An abomination so profane, to speak its name would bring instant fits of uncontrollable apathy. A horror that could only be described as the BIGGEST DEAD-EGYPTIAN-CLICHÆ’ MOVIE EVER!

Yeah, yeah. I’m talking about The Mummy.

This is one of those movies where you could tell the studio said, “Hey, we’ve got this kick-ass software that can make all these cool sand effects, what can we do with it?” Here are some horror movie ideas for the new software that didn’t make it past the drawing board:

“Pismo Beach Windstorm: You should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque”

“Autistic Class Field Day in the Hourglass Shop”

“Sandblaster 2: Blue Collar Butcher”

“Dial M for Mojave”

“What’s for Lunch at the Ethiopian Picnic?”

Man, those suck don’t they? But not half as bad as The Mummy. This flick stars Brendan Frasier leading a group of obnoxious Americans on an archaeological dig. They accidentally unleash an ancient mummy that looks uncannily like the Cryptkeeper’s mama. The rest of the movie is watching people die horrible, computer generated, Egyptian deaths. And believe me, I was rooting for every damn one of ’em to get their brains sucked out their nose, mummy-style.

One dude gets eaten alive by a swarm of scarabs.

Death by dung beetle. Dig it.

By credit time, I was silently screaming, “For Ra’s sake, won’t somebody pleeeeeeze mummify my ass?”

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