Jawbreaker

Oh, Dear God….where do I begin? Perhaps I should begin by saying that Rose McGowan (the bug-eyed slit who is currently Marilyn Manson’s suck puppet) couldn’t give a believable acting performance even if she were held at gunpoint. But more about her later…

Here’s the basic premise of the fecal-tasting piece of candy called “Jawbreaker”:

In what was meant as a harmless joke, three of Reagan High School’s most popular girls, led by Courtney (McGowan) pretend to kidnap their friend. And the way they decide to keep her quiet during this venture is by shoving a jawbreaker into her mouth to keep her from screaming. Their wacky plan takes a detour up shit creek when the chick that they kidnapped deep throats the jawbreaker and assumes room temperature when she is asphyxiated by the candy. (Seems pretty plain to me; Big Solid Ball of Candy + Throat= Death.) But anyway…McGowen tries to cover the crime but is found out by school’s neomaxizoomedweebie named Fern. McGowen and the other girls convince Fern not to talk by transforming the geeky bookworm into the hip and popular Vylette. (I think you know how I feel about popular kids attempting to change other kids, but if not then read my review of “Drive Me Crazy”.)But one of the original three pranksters, Julie (played by Rebecca Gayheart) decides that what they did was wrong (Gee, ya THINK SO???) and so she decides to tell the cops. Courtney threatens Julie, and….you know what? Who gives a shit what happens next? You can pretty well guess how it ends, can’t you? Or has Hollywood warped everyone into thinking that, “Golly. This seemingly predictable ending completely threw me off guard…”? Please tell me that we as a society are smarter than that.

You could tell that the producers made this movie to sell a fashion idea and an accompanying soundtrack. But I’m proud to say that for the most part people have avoided this bomb like the plague, as should you. The acting is weak, the actresses are mostly in their mid to upper 20’s and playing high school students, and the way the story plays out is just asinine. And a quick note to Rose McGowan: If you want so badly to suck on film, take a video camera into your bedroom and tape your Tuesday Night Gerbil Club meeting with that douche bag Manson. But leave us out of it.

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