Drive Me Crazy

Uh…When did Melissa Joan Hart get chubby? Did I miss a meeting? I wasn’t informed of this. So I was blind-sided when I saw her in “Drive Me Crazy” and realized that the reason they produced this DVD in widescreen to accomodate her ever expanding ass. The “standard” version would have been bad since her thighs would have been cut off on either side and spilling over the edge of your television, so I guess the producers made the right choice. Good God, with a big screen TV her tail end looks like a 32-inch baked, boneless ham. Truly frightening. I actually dozed off during this movie and woke up thinking I was watching some bad horror flick called, “Attack of the Giant Posterior.”

Anyway, on to this trite little tale…

“Drive Me Crazy” did just that. It drove me crazy just waiting for something interesting to happen. It has your basic Hollywood romantic comedy formula. Hart’s character has a crush on a boy who could give a shit less whether she lived or choked to death on a bowl of puppy nuts or whatever. Then her “anti-establishment” neighbor loses his girlfriend, and the two of them have one of those, “Hey, let’s pretend we’ve been grinding groins so that we can win back our ex’s, only to end up falling in love with one other” ideas. Hart then tries to change her pretend boyfriend to fit in with the popular kids, giving us the whole “fish out of water” bullshit that never works. And by the way, what kind of message is this to send kids? “Don’t be an individual, kids. Go with the flow. Don’t ruffle any feathers. Just wear the right clothes, listen to the right music and life with be peachy-friggin’ keen.” That’s why we have a nation full of pussies now. Nobody has a real opinion or identity anymore. (Wow, how did I get started on THAT? Anywho…) Hollywood LOVES to throw these banal stories at moviegoers, trying to tempt them like a fish to pretty, glittery bait, except the plastic neon bait is usually more tasty than the hackneyed scripts that Hollywood pukes out. They especially like to target teens who are, let’s say, going on a first date and want to see a romantic teen film. Hollywood makes this same movie about every three months or so, taking time only to replace one leading cute and tiny actress with another. And preferrably, that actress will have three names with a hyphen in there somewhere (i.e. Sarah-Michelle Gellar, Melissa-Joan Hart, Sarah Jessica Parker, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-Fortensky-Masterantonio, etc.) Have screenwriters run out of ideas completely? And for the one jack-off who is perhaps an aspiring writer in some film school in Tinyville, USA or something and is about to send me an e-mail attempting to answer that question (there’s always ONE)…it’s rhetorical, you George S. Kaufman wannabe.)

I guess I shouldn’t have expected much from a Melissa Joan Hart movie. If you see her image and her mouth is moving, expect bad results.

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