Out of Towners

Before I begin this scathing vitriol on a movie so incredibly appalling that I wanted to close my eyes and ears and go “Hmmmm, La La…Hmmmm, I’m not listening…la la la…”, I wanted to say hello to some friends in Australia. So, uh…hello.

OK, now…

For those of you unfamiliar with the original Neil Simon movie “The Out-of-Towners”, it came out in 1970, and it stars Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis. It’s a great movie, as we’ve come to expect from Jack Lemmon. Go rent it. But be sure not to get confused and rent the 1999 turd-filled suckfest. When I heard they were re-making this with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn, I thought “Hey, this might be good”. Well, this may as well have starred Paulie Shore and Rosie Perez (neither of whom have ever SEEN a good movie, let alone starred in one). Mother of God this is pathetic. First of all, is Goldie Hawn really stupid, or is she playing this part as a nit wit? She acts as if she’s one sandwich shy of a picnic throughout the whole picture, and her over acting is second only to a movie I saw once in which Christy Canyon was faking an explosive orgasm. (Do you suppose Christy Canyon is her real name, by the way? Note to parents: if you want your kids to be successful in a respectable business, do not name your kid Christy Canyon. Or Goldie, for that matter. Either of those names will most likely subject your child to a life making “beaver” pictures. And let’s face it; I don’t know many brain surgeons or accountants named Goldie…) Watching Steve Martin in this movie made me think, “Hey! Didn’t I see him in a movie like this already? Oh, yeah. It was called ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’.” The only difference in “The Out-of-Towners” and “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” is, this time around Steve’s sidekick doesn’t have tits as big as John Candy did. What’s wrong, Steve? Was “Bowfinger” not awful enough? Did you have to try and top it with this? Come on, man. You’re better than this…

Anyway, The Out-of-Towners re-make was an unnecessary remake. The only reason Jack Lemmon isn’t rolling around in his grave is…he’s not dead. But I’m sure Sandy Dennis took a spin or two. The only highlight I can think of in the whole film is John Cleese. He has some funny lines, but even the Monty Python veteran could save this Flying Shit Circus.

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