End of Days

To paraphrase Ahnold from the kick-ass film, ‘Predator’; “If it sucks, we can film it!”

What the hell happened here? I mean, we’ve got the apocalypse, Lucifer, Kevin Pollack, the chick from ‘The Craft’, and that Austrian body builder who gets to bang a kennedy (Maria Shriver). What could possibly go wrong? Well, kiddies, lotsa shit. Let’s start with an unoriginal story; satan comes to dinner. Next, how about we drag this contrived story out as long as possible. Ggggrrrrr! I’m getting pissed already!

Arnold plays a professional body guard who is grief stricken after his wife and daughter were brutally murdered. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I thought that was funny myself. Anyway, bicep brain struggles to find a reason to live. Meanwhile, a baby was born about 20 years before, who was born with the mark of the devil (Cue Iron Maiden’s “Number of the Beast”) and is whisked away from her biological mother and into the hands of some satan worshipping dipshits. Apparently, she is destined to get boned by they guy downstairs (my landlord?).

Fast forward to the last two days of 1999. Arnold and his partner, Kevin Pollack, pick up a job guarding a wealthy investment banker. Unbeknownst to the daring duo, this banker guy gets his soul taken over by the devil (Gabriel Byrne). The vatican has been keeping tabs on all of this and dispatches their priests to protect the girl from the evil one (Ricky Martin?). However, there is a faction of extremists that want to kill her to save the world. Arnold and team thwart the would be killers attempt at killing the banker and the girl. Conan, I mean, Arnold, takes the girl and tries to protect her from these dorks, and in the process learns of her destiny to bone smuggle the devil’s weiner.

Ahh! I’m getting a migraine. It’s time to roll a fattie and fire up! Arnold meets the devil (Byrne), who promises to bring his family back if he tells him where the girl is. Arnold say; “Screw you flame boy, I know the Kennedys!!!”, and draws his sword and strikes the devil down with all of the fury of Crom! Alright, he just said no, but don’t you think my script is better? They mix it up, and it’s one long chase after another. Gabriel Byrne and Kevin Pollack were pretty cool though. I’d wait for this one to come out on cable. I give this film 4 pitchforks. Incidentally, I could kick Schlongenegger’s ass!!! I’d use my Fred Savage-hungry man-wu shu style and cream him! I AM UNSTOPPABLE!!! I ROCK LIKE A MIDNIGHT WARRANT REUNION TOUR!!!

In honor of this crappy flick, I’d like to read from the book of Motley Crue which reads; “Come now children of the beast, be strong, and SHOUT AT THE DEVIL.”

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