Three to Tango

I was perusing the video store this weekend purposly looking for a steaming turd in which to warn you about, and Three To Tango was the exact remedy for my situation. For those of you not familiar with this movie, it’s one of those films that spent 1 1/2 weeks at the theater and then went straight to the “5-Day Rental” bin at the video store. It stars Matthew Perry, Dylan McDermott, Oliver Platt and Neve Campbell.

The “plot” (and I use that term loosely)goes a little something like this: An eccentric rich businessman, played unconvincingly by Dylan McDermott, mistakenly believes that Matthew Perry, who is bidding on an arcitectual contract, is gay and asks him to keep an eye on his mistress (played by Neve Campbell). SURPRISE, SURPRISE…Perry really isn’t gay, and falls in love with Neve’s character. Perry is awarded with a Chicago Gay Businessmen’s award and comes out of the closet to say, “I’m here, I’m straight, get used to it!” Of course, McDermott fires him and Neve gets pissed, but then she has a change of heart and everyone lives happily ever after. Excuse me, I have to barf…

This movie has so many idiosyncracies that drove me mad. I don’t know where to start. Perhaps I should start by saying the story was absolutely farcical. And the dialogue was nonsensical (especially Matthew Perry’s acceptence speech at the Gay Awards thing). Also…Call it bad casting, but the actors all seemed out of place. Matthew Perry can’t break away from his Chandler Bing character EVER, (the sign of a good, versatile actor) Dylan McDermott doesn’t fit the Howard Hughes-esque mold, and Oliver Platt didn’t persuade me to think that he was a peter-puffing, ankle-grabbing turd burglar at all. I think someone else would have fit the part better like Nathan Lane or that guy from the B-52s (no, not the dead one; the other one). If you’re going to play a homo, win me over with a limp wrist and a lisp. That would be more believable. I know I’m stereo-typing, and call me closed minded, but dammit I’m an American; I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my queers FLAMING! Put forth a little effort, would ya?

I know some of you took offense to that gay material. But I assure you that I have a few gay friends, and they would more than likely agree with what I said. Or at least they would realize that what I wrote was for humor purposes only. So for those of you who have no sense of humor and want to write me and let me know what a bigot I am for my gay comments, don’t waste your time. If you’re that concerned with gay issues, attend a Ricky Martin concert or watch the WWF or something.

Three to Tango gets an ass-load of Swayzes:
x infinity

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