Superstar

Every century or so I make a mistake of global proportions. Well, boys and girls,Master Origami just screwed the pooch again! Superstar! SUPERSTAR! Super-fucked-in-the-head-for-renting-this-piece-of-shit-star!! This movie was stupid from the get go. Before I go off on one of my diatribes regarding the inadequacies of Hollywood, allow me to enlighten you as to the contents of this colostomy bag. Superstar features Molly Shannon (of Saturday Night Live fame), and, ummm, noone else! Colonel shit for brains (Lorne Michaels, executive producer) couldn’t find anyone else that was hard up to be in this film.

Molly reprises her role as Mary Katherine Rottencrotch (I DIDN’T LIKE THE SKIT ON SNL, DID YOU THINK I’D REMEMBER HER NAME?), the young (35???) school girl who dreams of fame and fortune. Hey Molly, keep dreaming girlfriend, ’cause Chris “Iwish-I-could-get-outta-this-coffin” Farley is funnier NOW than you are!!!! I can’t really blame her for this. I mean, how long can you stay aboard a sinking ship like SNL and NOT want to break into the big screen?

Anyway, her character, Mary muff-diver, dreams of meeting a man so she can make out with him. Ummmm, Lorne? They made that movie already. It was called “Porky’s” and it had guys wanting chicks. The other difference was….. PORKY’S WAS FUNNY YOU FUCKIN’ DOUCHE BAG!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! DIE YOU BASTARD! DIE!!! DIE!!! Diiiii…… Ooooh! The morphine just kicked in. Aaaaaah!

Mmmm. So anyway maaan. This chick fights high school adversity to achieve her dream of, of, oh wow! Dude, Eddie Van Halen just melted outta the walls of my barn and told me it’s groovy to fire David Lee Roth in two separate decades and still get to nail Valerie Bertinelli. I’m feelin’ kinda funky. Ummm, anyway, Sholly Mannon trisses some kees. Naw, maan, that ain’t it. She kisses some trees and shit and says really stupid stuff.

Whoa! That was cool! Lemme summarize the rest of this before I really start trippin’ out. The entire film is one stupid sight gag after another. The funniest moment was when her grandmother says the word fuck. Does that give you an idea of how lame this is? On the ol’ Amish scale I give this film 2 pitchforks.

Remember the words of the metal warrior, Sonny Bono, who once said; “Holy shit, that a big fuckin’ tree!!!

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