Ready to Rumble

OK. Let’s shoot straight from the hip here. If you’re a heterosexual male, and are a fan of professional wrestling, you secretly desire to chug cock. Not just run-of-the-mill, pasty accountant cock though. Big, meaty, overly tanned wiener is what you crave.

Oh shut up and admit it to yourself. You lay awake some nights and slaver over the thought of Lex Luger’s steely ass cheeks wrapped over your face during a vertebrae-crushing suplex! Almost imperceptibly, your grip tightens on your beer and you gasp silently when two wrestlers wind up in the 69 while trying to pin each other. Stone Cold Steve Austin’s buttocks transport you to a realm of ecstasy that your wife or girlfriend wouldn’t, and couldn’t understand.

Hey! It’s perfectly okay! That’s why wrestling has evolved the way it has: to give hillrods and bodybuilding-dork wannabes an acceptable way to get in touch with the feminine side that they all have. Pro wrestling serves an important societal function in this regard. It provides an outlet for these fag-hating BillyBobs to release some of their latent homoerotic energy in a safe controlled environment. I don’t have the stats handy, but I’d bet every penny I’ve got that as pro wrestling popularity increases, violent crimes against homosexuals decrease.

It doesn’t take Sigmund Freud to verify the gospel I’m preaching here. It makes too much fucking sense! Before pro wrestling, watching grown men cavort in their underthings could get you strung up by the gonads. Wrestling evolved from the sub-conscious desire of regular, everyday Joes to see each other naked, and not get hung by the nuts. If only the silly bastards had taken up needlepoint or macrame we wouldn’t have this icky wrestling sub-culture that spawns movies like Ready to Rumble today.

So, next time you order your wife to make you dinner, get you a Pabst, turn on the WWF pay-per-view, and to shut the hell up, remember: She really knows that you’d rather be lying buns-up in the bed of your pickup truck offering up your furry crevice to the nearest oiled-down bodybuilder in leotards. Don’t get pissed! Like I said, it’s perfectly natural!

Ready to Rumble is a terrible movie about pro wrestling. If you go see it, we can conclude that you are gay. If you go see it and enjoy it, you are gay and mind-numbingly stupid. Happy dick sucking!

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