Practical Magic

Un-funny, un-touching nonsense about the crappy love lives of two witch sisters (Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman). Seems like every time one of ’em falls in love, their significant other decides to take a pre-mature dirt nap. At the beginning of the movie, Sally (Bullock) gets married and then her husband immediately gets run over by the Cinzano bike team extras from Breaking Away. Death by Tour de France.

This movie is not unlike the TV show Bewitched. Powerful witches fall in love with regular Derwoods and fuck their lives up beyond recognition. Too bad Paul Lind or Agnes Moorehead weren’t around to cast a “spell of talent” on the scriptwriter for this one.

I ran into a coven of witches once. I got lost in the woods near Tweekmanadsett, Maine, trying to find a trout stream to fly-fish. I walked up on 8 or 9 gals standing in a circle with skimpy robes on, licking a goat’s ass and pulling the wings off gnats. Before I could react, they grabbed me and made me the centerpiece in their satanic orgy. Well I turned the tables on ’em by stripping off my fly-vest and waders quick as you please. I was determined to show those demonic bitches why I’m called the Sausage King of Chicago. I unleashed the kielbasa and dove naked right into the middle of their little pentagram. Let me tell you, by the time I was done waxin’ some witch ass, every gal in that coven forgot about their silly pagan idols and began praising the good Lord in heaven like Americans are meant to. And they weren’t the last heathen I converted with a little artful sausage work, either.

In sum: given a choice between Practical Magic and another Sandra Bullock vehicle like Speed 2 Cruise Control, I’ll take circumcision with a dirty belt sander.

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