So, Kevin Costner makes yet another dumbass baseball movie, eh? Well, I’m truly thankful that he has done this. Seriously. I was hurting for something to review this week, so this putrid waste of 138 minutes was just the remedy I needed. After seeing “For Love of the Game”, I could hardly wait to pounce on my keyboard and let you know just how badly the stench emanated from this compost heap that passed through the MPAA as a movie.
Maybe I’m just grumpy because I haven’t been laid since approximately the time of the Space Shuttle explosion, but I want to smack Kevin Costner repeatedly. He’s the worst! He hasn’t made a decent movie since….well….ever! And don’t give me that “Dances With Wolves” bullshit either. That movie blew chunks. Period. The fact that “Dances…” beat out “Goodfellas” in the Oscar race back in ’90 still makes me mad enough that I get the runs. And don’t let’s forget “Waterworld”, “The Postman”, “Wyatt Earp”…Let’s face it, folks. This man is solely responsible for making some of the biggest flops in Hollywood history. Has anyone really paid attention to his acting ability? Apparently not, since he keeps getting roles. His “Forest Gump meets Robin Hood” impression in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” should have earned him a one way ticket out of Hollywood. What is truly frightening to me is the fact that Costner has children! This means that there is a chance that his children will try to follow in his footsteps, thereby creating generations of lousy actors in half-assed movies. (I just got chills…hold me…) That’s why I think there should be a program wherein we neuter all hack actors. Think about it: We could hire a committee, perhaps the same academy that awards Oscars or something. They determine the amount of money and time wasted in the individual’s tenure as an actor/actress. Then we remove their genitals in the hopes that they will not reproduce, leaving us with only the best of the best to act and spawn as they wish. We would be well on our way to a Utopian society. Sure, there will be some nay-sayers. Some will call it a form of ethnic cleansing. And sure, it may be considered “illegal”, “immoral,” blah blah blah. And of course if there were only good actors starring in good films, I wouldn’t have a job at www.moviesthatsuck.com But I’m willing to sacrifice my career so that you, the movie-viewing public, can spend their hard-earned income on worthy movies. And the ball-less wonders such as Costner and the rest of the wastes of space can be given jobs tearing the ticket stubs at movie theaters.
I got WAAAAY off track somehow….What was I saying? Oh yeah, “For Love of the Game” sucked. A lot.