by Esther Rodham-Origami
One of the most endearing and intelligent romantic comedies of the ’90s, the Oscar-winning Shakespeare in Love is filled with such good will, sunny romance, snappy one-liners, and devilish cleverness that it’s absolutely irresistible. With tongue placed firmly in cheek, at its outset the film tracks young Will Shakespeare’s overwrought battle with writer’s block and the efforts of theater owner Philip Henslowe (Geoffrey Rush, in rare form) to stage Will’s latest comedy………….
“WOMAN!!! Get the fuck off of that there ‘puter!!!”
“Jebediah Coolio Origami, don’t you speak to me in that tone of voice!”
“I ain’t be gots no time to be rappin’ wid you ’bout dis shit beotch!!! Now step off before I pimp slap you”
“I’m tired of you ranting and raving over movies that are perfectly suitable for the families out there to watch.”
“Bitch, you don’t know shit about cinema. I’m bringin’ a message that we will not stand for crappy motion pictures. As the prophet Bruce Dickinson once said……”
Would you please stop quoting has-been heavy metal icons as demi-gods? Get over it Jebediah, the 80’s are over!”
“BULLSHIT!!! Rock lives on! You know, ‘We’re not gonna take it’, Cum on feel the noize’. That is poetry man, pure poetry.”
“Nonsense! You are just another burn-out from a decade that was filled with day-glo clothing, hair spray, and spandex.”
“Yeah? And? You say that like there’s something wrong with it. Fuck Bruce Willis, Fuck Keanu Reeves, and double fuck Hugh Grant! Remember woman, I put the MEN in Mennonite! They don’t know acting. Gary Oldman played Sid Vicious AND Dracula, that’s acting. Every Friday night I take you to the barn and wax your pasty white ass, that’s real fuckin’ acting.”
“Now dear, what is the point of all this?”
“The point is woman, that I am the man of the house, the supreme ruler of my domain, dammit, I’M A GOD OF THUNDER (and rock n’ roll)!!! I want respect. Now get away from my computer and get your ass in the kitchen and cook me some cow testicles before I lay down the smack on you beotch!”
“Oooh! Spank me again. OOOH! Jebediah. Ooooh! I wanna make squishy noises with you.”
“You want squishy noises? C’mere and lemme kick you in your Depends, you diaper wearing dipshit! Now, get yer ass in the kitchen and fry some cow balls!”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Grand Master Jebediah Origami, Captain sizzle-crotch to you young lasses out there. I would like to take a moment and amend what that gray haired mongoloid was trying to say. Ahem…… THIS MOVIES SUCKS!!!! DON’T WATCH IT!!! IT’S EVIL!!!! IF YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE, YOUR GENITALS WILL FALL OFF!!! EVEN WORSE, YOU’LL BE FORCED TO WATCH POISON’S ‘TALK DIRTY TO ME’ VIDEO FOR ALL ETERNITY AS YOU SMOKE A TURD IN HELL!!!!!
Oh, by the way, I’d still like to nail Gwyneth Paltro like a drunken carpenter. Mmmmm. Ooooh! Aaaah! ESTHER!!! Bend over! Papa Jeb is gonna paint your barn!!!