Man, this movie chews major phallus. I’m talking Paul Bunyan-sized phallus here. Have you ever watched The Shining, and near the end the director thought it’d be a good idea to throw in an arbitrary shot of a guy in a dog suit givin’ the old butler a blow job? Well, Beloved IS that shot… over and over and over… a totally meaningless dog cock-suckin’ string of non-sequitirs. At least with The Shining you can say “Hey check out that dude in the dog suit givin’ head.” All you can say during Beloved is “What the fuck??!!!!”

Oprah Winfrey plays a woman back in the slave days who cuts her kids’ heads off with a saw to keep some old white man from getting them (the kids, not their heads). Some of the kids haunt her house, come back to life, screw Danny Glover, and generally take part in all kinds of mystical / symbolic nonsense. This movie is retarded! The only flick I’ve seen that even comes close to Beloved in terms of disjointedness is 187. But compared to Beloved, 187 flows like hot cinematic lava.

In one scene, Oprah starts crying and telling a story about how when she was pregnant, some white people stole her milk. Well hell, I thought somebody swiped her gallon of 2%, no big deal. I COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG! The scene cuts to an Oprah flashback of two evil-looking white dudes literally sucking the milk out of Oprah’s tits. I’m not shitting you, these two guys were NURSING ON OPRAH! They cut back to Oprah telling the story and she laments, “Those men done stole my milk! They done stole my milk!” Why did they steal the milk? Who the hell were they? What the fuck?!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

The only thing that allowed me to sit through this without hurting myself or someone else was the unintentional comic relief provided by Oprah’s retarded daughter who comes back to life. Now I can appreciate that it’s probably very difficult for an actor to convincingly portray someone who is mental. In a good movie, it can be powerful if done well. In a suck-ass bomb like Beloved, it becomes flat-out funny. I almost wet myself laughing when the daughter, who moaned every line with her eyes crossed, approached Danny Glover, ripped her clothes off, and started stuttering “I want you to touch my inside part! Touch my inside part!”

Beloved is easily the worst movie I’ve seen in recent memory. I can’t possibly describe how bad it is. I had to get up frequently to throw shit, I was so disgusted. The way I see it, Oprah owes me a couple new vases and a big-ass apology.

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