Romeo Must Die

It started innocently enough. I heard Jet Li had a new flick out, and I was curious to see what his newest venture had to offer. Mrs. Origami and I jumped into the ol’ horse and buggy and set out to experience this student of Wu Shu and Peking Opera in his first starring role in an American film. What we got was a Hip-hop, funky fly, punk ass, martial arts movie with a heavy rap influence. What the fuck is this shit??? Breakin’ 2:Electric GOOK-aloo???? I really don’t give a shit what rapper someone got to share the supporting role chores. If that’s a formula for success, then I’m game. They had DMX in their film, I’ll get my cousin, WD40 to star in mine!!!

Anyway, the basic premise is that there are two rival factions, the asians and the blacks. They are vying for the same goal in a joint real estate venture. Basically, they are squeezing their respective neighbors out of their property so both “sides” can help close a deal to build a sports colosseum on the water front. Where the fuck is this? Philadelphia??

HELLO???? Hey Hollywood, Darwin called, he wants his theory of evolution back!!! You stupid fuckin’ monkeys can’t even think of a better reason for rival gangstas to go to war? Didn’t we all learn that stupid plans for real estate domination and professional football is a no no? I guess no one saw “The Last Boyscout.”

To tell you the truth, I didn’t go to see this for the story. I wanted some hardcore martial arts action. You know, one man taking on armies of thugs armed with guns while he possesses only a potato peeler. As far as the actual fight scenes go, they were okay. I mean do you honestly expect me to believe that a man can fly 20 feet with a front kick? At the Amish dojo we can easily travel 50 feet with a bale of hay on our backs! I’m not sure of what the point of all this racial shit is. Is Hollywood trying to ease racial tension between the brothas and the zipperheads? Why not have a film with Koreans, the Bloods, and the Crips. You could call it; “No loitering in the deli, soul brother”. Or how about having the folks from India and some rednecks in a film? I guess you could call that one: “Showdown at Abu’s Quickie-mart”.

I have to be honest, being that we Amish look down upon modern conveniences like anal lube, in-door shitters, and electricity, this was my first experience in a movie theatre where the majority of the patrons were African-American. I had only heard rumors of riots and gun fire. We had none of this. They did shout at the screen alot, and at one point, in the heat of a desperate battle between Jet and another Asian fighter, one gentlemen felt inclined to throw Shuriken stars at the screen.

In any event, Jet Li is this film’s only saving grace. I recommend waiting for this one to come out on video, rent it, and watch it like a porn, fast-forward to the good parts. I give it 3 pitchforks. I’m gonna go crescent kick Mrs. Origami in the mouth for “gittin’ in my face after I told her punk-ass to step off yo!” Remember children, never trust whitey or, like Reverend Blackie Lawless said, you’ll be “Blind in Texas.”

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