The Story of Us

“Kind of like ‘The Story of O’, only completely different….”

Well, I’ll be a greased Jesus! Bruce Willis stars in yet another gastly movie! Whatta ya know? Sure, he briefly drifted away from his “suck” roots when he made “The Sixth Sense”, a critical and box office hit (Hell, even I liked it. The little boy did an outstanding job, and if he doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, I’m going to burn my enema bag in protest). Anyway, Willis, the Prodigal Son of Vile Cinema regains his footing, and returns to the world of disgraceful movies with the romantic comedy (which is Latin for “So Sweet and Sappy that I gag and am thrown into diabetic shock”), “The Story of Us.”

“The Story of Us” is kind of like “When Harry Met Sally” only with bad hair. Both Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer sport wigs that would make Dolly Parton say “Holy Shit, that’s a bad wig!” . This movie follows a couple’s marriage over a span of 15 years, showing the highs and lows of their relationship. Basically we get to witness a couple arguing and crying a lot, while their friends pump them full of advice and cheesy dialogue. Like we need to watch a movie for this? As I’ve said before, movies give me an opportunity to ESCAPE the day to day bullshit like this. If I wanted to watch a couple go through years of built-up resentment and stoicism, I’ll place a hidden camera in my own living room. And I damn sure don’t need Bruce Willis to try to teach me a lesson on relationships, considering his marriage to Demi “Tyler”-Moore went south a couple of years ago. That would be like asking Bill Clinton how I should maintain a monogomous relationship. (Oh hell, I feel a tax audit coming on…)

I’m normally a fan of Rob Reiner (who wrote and directed). But he really dropped the ball this time. And Bruce Willis should stick to doing what he does best: Making bad action movies and saying smart-ass one liners with that shit-eating grin on his face. Leave the couplehood movies to couples who actually know how to make a relationship work, such as Burt and Loni. (Maybe not). Perhaps someone like OJ and Nicole. (No, that’s not right either). Tom and Roseanne? Tommy and Pamela? Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman? Michael and Lisa Marie? Dear God, if these relationships based on greed, shallowness and vanity can’t make it, how can we expect our measly relationships to survive? (I think I got off track somehow, but my basic message was The Story of Us sucked. I have to go now. My enema bag is over-flowing. On that note…Have a nice day…)

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