Boys Don’t Cry

I have to admit my hopes were set kinda high on this one. I mean honestly, lesbians, rednecks, cheap beer, and cows. Sounds like the zany cookouts we have here in Lancaster. Unfortunately, our parties rock like a DIO reunion tour and this film sucked like a Backstreet Boys mosh pit!!! This movie stars Hillary Swank (of Karate Kid 3 fame), Hillary’s teeth, and the skank who played Becky on Roseanne.

So, horse teeth (Swank) is a dyke, not that there’s anything wrong with that, as I am a huge fan of lesbians. Anyway, she gets her hair chopped so she looks like a boy. Now she looks like a female version of Mick Jagger and is clearly unhappy about being a woman so she portrays herself as a man. I have to admit, she looked a helluva lot more masculine than Leonardo DiCaprio. She frequents local Nebraska biker bars and meets fatso Roseanne’s tv daughter (Becky), and she gets her sorry ass clocked by a local hillbilly who was mackin’ on Becky. Even the bar fight sucked. Boy, I sure do miss those cheesy Burt Reynolds/Hal Needham bar fights!!!

So Brandon (Hillary Swank) goes on a wacky road trip from Lincoln Nebraska to some other town in NE. She hangs out there with a bunch of white trash that I had mistaken for Mrs. Origami’s family. One thing leads to another and Skank seduces one of the dude’s girlfriends, Lana. The high point is the “nipple scene” and the credits rolling. I will honestly admit that the ending was a little shocking. Even more shocking must’ve been seeing a drunken Amish guy in a movie theatre with a John Deere tractor!!! I didn’t exactly leave the theatre cheering, rather, I felt compelled to live in a trailer park.

This movie might appeal to Nancy Kerrigan’s dentist or Gary Dell’Abate, but not to people with human teeth. On the Amish scale of 1 to 10 I give this film 3 pitchforks.

Today’s sermon is from the Book Of IRON MAIDEN which reads: “Scream for me Long Beach!!!”

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