Tomorrow Never Dies

Tomorrow never dies… but I wish James Bond would. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the old 007 flicks. I just think that the recent incarnations have become far too preposterous to go on living. When the fuck did James Bond become god? Hell, he can fly an F16, strafe a terrorist encampment, kill a couple of evil assassins hand-to-hand, comment on the bouquet of some foo-foo chablis, and decode an encrypted message from the Archduke of Viceroy’s mammy, ALL AT THE SAME TIME! DIE MOTHERFUCKER!

Pierce Brosnan. What a puss. He’s James Bond in name only. He’s got the hair, the look, the accent. He fits the suit. Man, Danny Bonaduce or Harvey Fierstein would make a more interesting James Bond than Brosnan. Whatever the intangible quality is that made Sean Connery and Timothy Dalton kick-ass James Bonds, Pierce Brosnan does not have it. I must say that part of his problem, at least in Tomorrow Never Dies, could be found in the script. Go back and read Ian Fleming’s books you scriptwriting rat-bastards! Sure, James Bond could always shoot the ass out of a june bug at 100 paces. But he was also emotional, resourceful, lucky, and often uncertain. In short, he was human. In the books, the first time Bond kills somebody, he upchucks. Compare that to the wise-cracking killing machine that James Bond has evolved into. And this caricature of the original, embodied by Brosnan, sucks festering warthog pud!

Hey Hollywood writers, give the bad guys an even break! You don’t become a megalomaniacal leader poised to take over the world by hiring henchmen that CAN’T SHOOT! Fifty guys unload thousands of rounds at Pierce Brosnan and never even manage to nick his Italian suit. Yet he takes out even the most well-hidden of them in one shot. I gotta cry bullshit here, even for a James Bond movie. Take my word for it, a vulnerable/ imperfect James Bond is much more interesting than the ice cold automaton they’ve foisted on us in the last couple of movies.

It’s hard to single out one scene from Tomorrow Never Dies for ridicule, there were so many that were worthy. How about where James Bond is handcuffed at the wrist to a female spy? They jump on a motorcycle to escape from a helicopter loaded down with gun-toting evil henchmen. Since they’re cuffed, Bond works the throttle and she works the clutch. Together, they speed through the crowded streets of Hong Kong, jumping shit, jetting down alleys, dodging gunfire. Basically doing stuff one person using two hands couldn’t do. At one point, the helicopter traps them in a dead end. Instead of landing and having all the machinegun-packing goons jump out and kill James Bond, the writers thought it would be cool to have the helicopter hover there menacingly a few feet off the ground in an almost vertical position. Impressive piloting? You bet. Realistic? FUCK NO! Bond and the chick kamikaze toward the helicopter on the motorcycle, slide the bike under it (still handcuffed together, mind you) at about 80MPH, while simultaneously chucking a chain into it’s rotors. As you’d expect, the helicopter explodes in a huge fireball. Bond and the female spy are unhurt.

Somebody issue these clowns a License to Edit, would ya?

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