Snake Eyes

Before I enter into the world of pain that is Nicholas Cage, I have to answer a letter that was recently sent to me. But first, a little background…

In my award-winning column “The Lightning Round”, I made some lewd comments about the movie “The Thin Red Line”. I thought it was too long, boring, and was generally not worth my time. Anyway, I received a letter recently from a reader who said (in part):

“…You really don’t have a clue about movies as an art form, do you?”

I was going to ignore this letter and file it with the rest of the garbage I get, but it brought up a good point that I thought I’d address. To be honest, I don’t look at movies as an art form. I look at movies as entertainment, as do 98% of people who go to or rent movies. Most people watch movies to relax and numb their memory of the hell that is their day to day life. And when movies are not entertaining, I’m going to point them out as such. That’s the entire reason for us putting this site together. To inform our readers what they shouldn’t waste their time or hard-earned money on. We review MOVIES. Not FILMS. That is a very important distinction here. We’re not into the artsy-fartsy NYU student film bullshit, we don’t attend “Sundance Film Festival”, and we don’t sit around in a little circle of snotty friends with wine and cheese and say things like “…[Saving Private Ryan] was far inferior to Mallick’s masterpiece”. I’m just saying that as a fan of movies, as someone who wants to sit down and be entertained, it is my opinion that “The Thin Red Line” sucked serious butt nuggets. You may disagree, and that’s fine. After all, this is America; you have the right to be stupid and wrong.

Now then, let’s pounce on “Snake Eyes”, shall we?

I’d rather take a beating then watch this film again. In fact at the time I was watching Snake Eyes, I was thinking “Isn’t there an infected maturation I can get removed or something? Anything to get away from this steaming turd…” In order not to confuse Nicholas Cage, he plays a guy named Nick. My guess is his character’s name was originally Dan, but nobody could get him to answer to it. So Cage plays Nick Santoro, a flamboyant (another word for “arrogant prick”) police detective with a cleft asshole who?s come to watch a boxing match and cash in on the betting action. Suddenly, gunfire cuts down a ringside government official, and 14,000 fans suddenly become 14,000 suspects. It’s a decent premise for a movie, but it just doesn’t deliver. Nicholas Cage overacts, and there are plot holes throughout the whole thing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick up some beer and Cheetos. I’m getting together with my friends to discuss which movie was Chevy Chase’s “masterpiece”. Now that’s entertainment…

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