The Whole Nine Yards

I went to see The Whole Nine Yards and dammit if a “wheezer” didn’t sit right behind me. You’ve all met a wheezer at some point in your lives. It’s the overweight man/woman, usually clad in a mu-mu, who gets winded merely by breathing. I know, I know. It’s a Catch-22 I don’t understand either, how someone could breathe themselves into suffocation. Anyway, when a wheezer goes somewhere and actually has to propel their ponderous body using their own power, they need at least twenty minutes of idle “wheeze-recovery” time before they can even attempt to speak. So why did this particular wheezer, loaded down with mega-tub of pocorn and vat of cola, think they could just plop down at a comedy like The Whole Nine Yards and not asphyxiate themselves laughing? Maybe they read a review of The Whole Nine Yards and knew that laughs were not part of the ticket price.

Unfortunately for me, the person seated behind me was the rarest of animals: the laughing wheezer. She was one of those people that laughs too hard and too long at the most inane joke or the most predictable pratfall. She laughed so much that I began to assume that one of three things was true about this woman:

1) Due to her physical condition she had no personal life and thus no discerning sense of humor. She was so tickled to be out of the house and near some other sentient beings that Sophie’s Choice would’ve been funnier than a Def Comedy Jam.

2) She spent 7 of her hard earned dollars to laugh in a theater and , goddammit, she was gonna laugh in the theater.

3) She was insane.

Well, The Whole Nine Yards is not funny. I think I chuckled once. There may have been a quasi-chortle in there somewhere. But mostly I sat there listening to the lady behind me going “HAR HAR Wheeeeeeeeeezzzze TEE HEE Wheeeeeeeeeeze HAHA Wheeeeeeeeeeze.” You get the idea. Here’s what she thought was so funny:

Matthew Perry plays Oz, a down-on-his-luck dentist in Canada. He hates his wife (Rosanne Arquette) because she speaks in a god-awful French accent, and also because she wants to kill him to collect life-insurance money. Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski (Bruce Willis) moves in next door to Oz. Tudeski happens to be a former mob hitman /informer who has a price on his head by the Chicago mob. Oz recognizes him and decides to turn him in for the cash. Sort of. The rest of the movie is one double-cross after another as the bumbling Oz bangs Tudeski’s wife, takes part in a couple of mob hits, and generally grows a pair of balls. Lots of slapstick/physical comedy. Yaaaaaawwwwwnnnn.

There is one redeeming thing about The Whole Nine Yards, however. Natasha Henstridge as Tudeski’s old lady. Kazowie! Since I couldn’t hear jack shit because of Wheezie Jefferson behind me, visuals became all-important. And with visuals like Henstridge, who needs audio? Natasha…Gwyneth….me….. sandwich..

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