Bicentennial Man

An android named Andrew (Robin Williams) develops feelings and wants to become human. Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnnggg. It’s the oldest story in the Sci-Fi book. I felt like I was watching a two and a half hour episode of Star Trek where Data gets emotions, but this time there were no Klingons to fly in, blow shit up and transport (pretty clever, eh?) me away from this sappy drivel.

So, does Andrew become human by the end of the movie? If you even have to ask you deserve to have the unabridged version of Pinocchio crammed into your rectum and turned sideways. Does he fall in love? TWO versions of Pinocchio….

When Andrew lives far enough into the future to acquire a synthetic central nervous system and the ability to feel sensation, he busts in on the woman he’s in love with. He asks her to, in the interest of science, help him test his new found senses. He gently caresses her face, looks longingly into her eyes, then grabs her head, rams it into his crotch and yells, “Devour the Robo-Dong, bitch!”

Actually he just kisses her. But wouldn’t my idea have worked better? Man, after an hour of this sugary schlock, I was praying for Andrew to have a homicidal malfunction, or a robo-porn scene, or for him to tear the arms off the terminally cute little kids they cast in this flick…anything. Even the infinite number of eight year olds who were in the theater with me found it boring and unfunny. Talk about a testimonial to suckage.

This movie was based on a book by Isaac Asimov. I once read an interview with Asimov where he said he’d trade in his mega-IQ in a second for matinee idol good looks. Isaac was probably wishing he could pick up some hot nook for a change, or maybe he was smart enough to see into the future and realize he didn’t want his name associated with Bicentennial Man in any way..

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