Greetings from the trailer. Hope all is well with my legions of readers. I’m fine. The pubic lice are dying quite nicely. Thanks for all the concerned fan mail.

OK, now on with the review of “Gloria”…

This movie would be all I’d need in a court of law to prove that Sharon Stone is an overrated, bimbo has-been who couldn’t act her way out of a douche bag. In “Gloria,” Stone plays a middle-aged ex-con whore. I know what you’re thinking: “That’s not a big stretch. She should be able to play this part with confidence.” But no. She’s the only actress I can think of that has gotten continually worse as she practices her craft. It’s like she’s in an “Acting De-Evolution” or something. And the shitter is, she gets paid tens of millions of dollars for it! What the hell? Shit, if you give me $20 and I’ll act like a cheap trick-ass ho for two hours.

Anyway, Gloria befriends a six year old street urchin with hair like Juan Epstein from “Welcome Back Kotter” whose family has just been executed by Gloria’s former lover. She drags him around from place to place, trying to figure out where to dump him off. It’s the same old bullshit you’re all used to: She hates the little smart-ass when they first meet and acts like she doesn’t care what happens to him. But then as time goes on she gets more attached to him and decides she can’t live without him. Blah, blah, blah.

I have no idea how the movie ends because I turned it. This movie was so bad, even I couldn’t stand to watch the whole thing. So instead I watched the game show “Twenty-One”. (By the way, what is up with Maury Povich? I don’t know about you, but that jack-off gives me the creeps…)

But to sum up this film, “Gloria” has the acting quality of a home made porn, but lacks the high-grade plot or catchy music. Which reminds me: do you think Maury Povich and Connie Chung ever film themselves “doing it”? Now THERE’s a video I’d like to see. If anyone out there can get me a copy, I’d sell it on the internet. I’d call it “Maury Povich in…Wang Chung”

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