Deep Blue Sea

Nothing pisses me off worse than animal-disaster flicks with animation so poor that it makes “Frosty the Snowman” look realistic. Of course “Deep Blue Sea” has all the cliched elements…including:

* The gritty asshole with the shady background who everyone hopes will die slowly of a violently inflicted injury.
* The laundry list of security measures designed to keep the beastly animals from ravaging the dumb-as-monkey shit “scientists.” Of course, they fail. Miserably.
* The “genius” scientist with the British accent. Lemme axe you this: If British people are so fucking smart, someone explain why they allow their inbred monarchy to live?
* Shitty special effects that wouldn’t fool a four year old.

While we’re on the subject of special effects, the first kind of special effects in “Deep Blue Sea” were special like a 50th anniversary party, which is good. The second type is “special” like the kid in your junior high school with no middle name and a forehad more expansive than the 17th green at Pebble Beach.

Back to the movie: There are sharks, they go berzerk, eat people, destroy hi-tech shit, and eventually die at the hands of the dumbest motherfucker on the scene. This movie sucked shit…big long snaky shit.

A line poorly spoken by one of the characters at the beginning of the film summed up the film that was to follow:

“beneath this glassy surface, a world of gliding monsters…”

True only if in place of “gliding monsters” you substitue “drifting shark turds.”

Deep Blue Sea gets 109 Swayzes:

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