The Beach

I usually pack a gat when I go to the movies, underneath my double-tweed vest right next to my pocketwatch. Carrying my piece is mandatory on the weekends, because the theater is always crammed with teens. If some unbalanced pre-pubescent has no qualms about pumping a few rounds into Mr. Herbovitz, his math teacher, then what’s to stop him from squeezing off a couple magazines into a crowd of strangers at the local cineplex? I, for one, prefer to be prepared than surprised. I’ll bet those little bedwetters aren’t prepared for return fire. Especially from a senior citizen wearing tweed. Well, by God, I didn’t fight my way out of the Chosin Reservoir in Korea only to be smoked fifty years later by some little zit-faced bastard toting a Communist-made assault rifle.

The movie I went to see was “The Beach,” starring Leonardo DiCaprio. I went on Saturday night. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE! When I saw all the teenagers in the theater lobby, I assumed they were giving away free Oxy cream with the purchase of a ticket. It looked like a video arcade next door to a junior high at 3 PM in there. Has anyone taken a good hard look at America’s youth lately? ATTENTION REST OF THE WORLD: if you want to take over the United States when Generation X comes into power, don’t use weapons. Attack with a marketing campaign that promises copious amounts of rectal piercings, gothic lifestyle manuals, apathy/boredom for all, and ill fitting Starsky and Hutch wardrobe cast-offs. Motherfucker we got some goofy looking kids in this country. And I’ll wager that all of them could use a good ass kicking.

There were so many hormones flowing through the theater as I sat through The Beach that I actually began to smell a high school gym locker. I was experiencing olfactory hallucinations! Of course, it didn’t help that the kid behind me was trying to frig his girlfriend with a roll of sweettarts. I tried that once with Mrs. Froman during a performance of Guys and Dolls back in ’58. I regained vision in my left eye last year around July sometime. Thanks for giving a shit.

What can I say about The Beach? The shoegazers seemed to like it. As did the smokers. And the dweebies, the fuckheads, the sluts, the jocks, the heads, the mollycoddlers and the pageant puppies. All the teen cliques were represented at The Beach. They all seem to think Leonardo is one righteous dude. Frankly, I didn’t get to see much of the movie, so I can’t accurately convey suckage. It’s hard to pay attention to things like plot and character development when the 9th grader behind you has her boyfriend’s concessions in her twat. Thank God for the R rating.

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