The Lightning Round

OK, kids. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, what with the house arrest, and the fact that I lost my job at the White Castle. So I’ve been watching the hell out of Pay Per View lately. And I’ll be damned if I can find ONE decent movie to recommend to you. But I have seen sooooooo many shitty movies, it would take me months to write witty and poignant reviews about each one. And quite frankly, I have better things to do. So with my editor’s permission, I’d like to do a little something different. I’m going to run through all the movies I’ve seen recently and sum them up in as few words as possible. We’ll call it: The Lightning Round from Hell! Are you ready? This is going to be fast, so hang on to your hats, fasten your seat belts, take a deep breath and leave all hands and feet inside the compartment. This has never been attempted before and is not for the faint of heart. Consider yourself forewarned. Here we go:

“How Stella Got Her Groove Back”
(Angela Basset/ 1 hr. 55 min.)

Well, great. We got to see how Stella managed to re-obtain her groove. Now will someone tell me how I can get back the last two goddamn hours of my life that I wasted watching this piece of garbage?

“Hope Floats”
(Sandra Bullock/ 2 damn long)

Hope floats, eh? Well so do turds! What’s your point?

“Thin Red Line”
(Sean Penn/ appox. 3 hours)

This movie is like “Saving Private Ryan LITE”: Less filling, tastes shitty, and gives you the runs. I’ve seen more interesting “thin red lines” on my maxi-pad during a light flow day.

“Simply Irresistible”
(Sarah-Michelle Gellar/ approx. the length of 2 presidential administrations)

“Simply” the unfunniest comedy I’ve ever seen. This made “Philadelphia” seem like a light-hearted feel-good movie about a gay man who happened to have some little disease.

“The Thomas Crown Affair”
(Rene Russo/ 2 minutes long. I don’t know. I forgot to check!)

There’s a good idea: Take a movie that was god awful to begin with and re-make it with Pierce Brosnon! Brilliant! SUCK!!!

“The Mask of Zorro”
(Anthony Hopkins/ I think it’s STILL playing. It’s just that long!)

Two words: Antonio Banderes. NEXT!

“Cruel Intentions”
(Ryan Phillipee/ longer than the life span of the average goldfish)

By the end of this film, I was so giddy and so happy this pile of bovine droppings was over, I was giggling like Danny De Vito when he finally got the boat ride in “One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.” (If that reference was too obscure for you, read someone else’s column. I don’t have time to explain everything.)

“A Simple Plan”
(Billy Bob Thornton/3 days,2 minutes)
Quick rule of thumb: stay away from any movie involving this wife-beating prick.


Well, that’s it. Did everyone survive? Probably not. But those of you who did manage to make it all the way through the Lightning Round from Hell should take pride in the knowledge that you are now stronger and maybe a little wiser than you were before reading this.

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