I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Before I start ripping Jennifer Love Hewitt a new poop chute, I thought I’d answer a fan letter:

Dear Octavia,
Why don’t you ever review any “new” movies? All I ever see is stuff like “Meet Joe Black” which has been out for a long time. What’s up with that? And what’s the deal with airline food?

Signed,
Jacob E.
p.s. I love you.

Well, Jacob it’s kind of hard to see new movies when I have this whole “house arrest” thing hanging over my head! (I don’t want to get into it, but let’s just say there was an incident involving a knitting needle and an ex-lover’s skull) I have to wear this ankle bracelet, and it only allows me to leave for doctor visits and meetings with my probation officer. So I’m forced to review things I see on Pay Per View. Any other questions? No? Good. By the way I love you, too.

Now on with the review…

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage revises its role as Julie James’ tits in “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”. Julie’s roommate and token black friend Karla (played by Brandi) wins a trip to the Bahamas, and, SURPRISE SURPRISE, they’re followed by someone who STILL knows what they did last summer. Throats are slashed, random teenagers are killed, and at the end of the film the bad guy is thwarted by Hewitt’s wit and skills. My hero! Sigh…Whatever. Shut up.

Mother of God, why do we have to sit through this crap over and over again? It’s the same formula that has been used in every teen/psycho killer film since my mom was getting felt up at the drive in theater: a lone psychopath who is virtually indestructible, some beautiful people, some slightly less beautiful people (who ALWAYS end up with blood spurting out of their eyes, nose and throat), the hero who gets chased through some woods and falls down but then somehow figures out how to kill the psycho killer. Then the beautiful people go on with their lives like nothing happened. Roll credits. I can’t take this shit anymore…

Anyone want to get Octavia an early Christmas present? I have an idea: Bring me the head of the studio executive who said “Oh yeah. This is good. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s tits equals good cinema. Let’s release this.” I want this jackass’ head on a platter. I have some knitting needles I want to introduce him to…

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