Can’t Hardly Wait

There are a few things you can count on in this world.

1. Car dealers are slimy fucks who would rather fuck your eyeballs out than tell you the truth.
2. Women put emotion before logic. Period.
3. 99.9% of all high school movies suck ass.

“Can’t Hardly Wait” falls under number three. FUCK! How many 26 year old jocks can a high school movie have? And the geeks…they’re never that attractive in real life! In high school movies, the geeks are quirky, intelligent dorks, but tolerable. In real life, the geeks are so fucked up socially, they’ll never be found at a graduation party. Hell, who the fuck is gonna miss a marathon Dungeons and Dragons confab to skeeze on beaver and drink beer with the jocks and debs? The “Can’t Hardly Wait” Hollywood geeks had actually bathed, showed evidence of spinal column ownership by daining to stand up for themselves, and didn’t have the skin tone of a Pizza Hut Big New Yorker with triple sausage and black olives. Hell, the “Can’t Hardly Wait” geeks were fixated on “Star Wars”…real geeks wax eloquent on Buck Friggin’ Rogers, by golly.

But I digress…this movie doesn’t suck because the characters aren’t believable…many are. This movie sucks because high schools, especially this one, are not that interesting! Who cares who fucks who in high school? MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Does anyone give a flying fuck if the prom queen (future Dollar Store checkout clerk) and the captain of the football team (future used car sales manager) break up? And why does the “nice guy” who has a crush on the “hot chick” always come off as a bumbling schulb? Dude! Get a life…the bitch has an IQ equivalent to that of a sea urchin!

I’ve had bowel movements that are more interesting and had a better plot than this bilge. And I didn’t use my dump as a vehicle for selling third-rate pop-schlock songs.

If you want to see the same shit you’ve seen a dozen times before only with more implants, go see “Can’t Hardly Wait.” You’ll agree at the end that the title should have been “Can’t Hardly Wait For This Motherfucker to End.”

Can’t Hardly Wait gets 15 Swayzes:

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