Eye of The Beholder

The world needs another crappy serial killer flick like I need more tooth decay. Well, sonofabitch if I didn’t go to the dentist yesterday and find an oozing pustule on upper bicuspid #2. I got a cavity, and the world got Eye of the Beholder.

I got the better deal.

Ewan McGregor plays a loopy police investigator/surveillance expert who becomes obsessed with fetching murderess Joanna (played by Ashley Judd). McGregor follows her around the country in an ugly red jacket, and always seems to have a camera and microphone placed wherever she’s going before she arrives.

God, what is it about Joanna that attracts him so? Could it be the way she shanked the rich-boy and sank his corpse in the lake in Boston? Or the way she gracefully drowned the handsome stranger in his own train compartment in New York? Or perhaps the coquettish way she blasted the cop in the face with the Saturday night special in Chicago? Ahhhh, love…. if I could define it I’d be writing sonnets instead of reviews about shitty movies.

Eye of the Beholder sucks on so many levels. There was a silly “childhood lost” theme running through this movie that the director bludgeons you with repeatedly. Every time Judd offs somebody, she sinks to her knees and screams, “Daaaaaadddddddyyyyy!!!” And during the first 30 minutes of the film, McGregor is constantly in the company of an imaginary little girl that turns out to be his estranged daughter. As he’s watching Judd slash her way across America, he hears his daughter whisper goofy crap like “don’t abandon her daddy…. she’s just a little girl… you love her, daddy…” Then he begins to think that Judd is some sort of daughter figure.

Well first of all, daddy, you’re the adult. So you need to be tellin’ that little apparition to shut the hell up or your foot is gonna find it’s way into her little ghost ass. Second of all, you’re a cop, so you need to do what cops do when they witness a hot chick commit murder: cuff ’em, have your way with ’em in your police cruiser, and then falsify the paperwork. Actually, that’s what a cop in this movie would do. Every man Judd meets lays on the smarm, calls her stuff like toots, princess, or darlin’, tries to bed her, and inevitably winds up with a Ginsu up his arse.

I summarily and immediately reject any movie whose characters commit extravagant crimes based on even more extravagant mistreatment by a parent. “Daddy touched my pee-pee so now I’m going to disembowel you…”

Peddle this crap down the block. Or at least give me the Nitrous Oxide before I hit the theater.

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