Meet Joe Black

Since I’m new here at, our publisher wanted to make sure the first movie I reviewed was one of such abhorrent nature it would harden me for years to come, thereby making it possible for me to withstand any shitty movie that comes my way. It’s the same theory they use for police officers; throw the rookie out there on the double-homicide case in the middle of Spanish Harlem and let him see the murder victim with his balls detached and relocated into his mouth. So with that in mind, I set out to review “Meet Joe Black”.

In “Meet Joe Black”, Brad Pitt plays, essentially, death. Rather ironic considering he killed this film. Anyway, Joe Black/Death (Pitt) comes to take Bill Parish (Anthony Hopkins) shortly following Parish’s 65th birthday. But in the interim, Joe Black meets Parish’s daughter and falls in love with her. She teaches him about life, and how wonderful it is, and everything gets all goopy and sappy and basically makes me want to wretch. I’d tell you how the story ends, but Golly, I don’t want to give away the surprise! Whatever…

This movie was so “girly” and made me so excruciatingly nauseous, it forced me to start my period. And in case you’re wondering, an entire bottle of Mydol mixed with a 1/5 of Tequila STILL didn’t make this movie watchable.

This movie had potential to be…well, a piece of shit. But Brad Pitt lowered this film to become sub-shit. He spends 178 minutes drooling on his lower lip and quietly contemplating how wonderful he thinks he is. Meet Joe Black? No. I’d like to Beat Joe Black. Severely. With a tire iron. (Sorry. The Mydol must be wearing off…)

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