Any Given Sunday

Director: Oliver Stone…this is gonna be good…

Rufus likes football. Rufus likes movies.

Throw Oliver Stone between ’em and what do you get? The closest thing I can compare Any Given Sunday to is the feeling one would get by taking a fistfull of LSD while watching Tupac videos. “Goddamn, motherfucker, bitch, fuck, shit, nigger!” What wonderful dialogue! Whoever wrote this colossal shit-magnet deserves to be anally gang raped by Lawrence Phillips, journeyman NFL thug, and all his fellow Nebraska Cornhusker thugs.

The premise behind this quiffe is that…well, that what you really don’t need a script that has stuff like character development or plot. Simply show lots of fine white pussy with pencil eraser nipples, large black men with gold teeth and chains who call each other “nigger” repeatedly and incomprehensible MTV style football film footage, replete with growling noises and cursing.

The most ridiculous moment in the film comes when “Steamin” (ironic…that’s what this turd of a movie does) Willie Beamen (played by Jamie Fox) the flashy, young, black, third string quarterback makes his way toward the end zone…the ludicrous background music stops, providing an element of suspense…Willie takes this opportunity to do a complete flip into the endzone. So what kind of response did this illicit with the theater audience? Well, it’s funny…I’m sure Oliver Stone thought it would actually provide an element of suspense, but instead it gave the audience an opportunity to simultaneously groan and laugh out loud. I was alternately embarrased for Stone and happy that he was exposed as the worst director of his generation.

I’d like to isolate the gene that makes car dealers want to appear in their own tv ads and directors do speaking cameos in their own films. Just when you think Stone can’t direct, he tries to act too. Stone looked like visible flatulance on a four day bender. Add in sad-sack former coach, Barry Switzer and crack-head Lawrence Taylor to the mix and you have a flick that makes Ernest Goes to Camp look like an Academy Award® winner.

Hire Oliver Stone to direct a movie about a blue-haired bridge league and you’ll get conspiracies, adolescent cursing and violent debauchery. Oliver! You’re fucked up!

Any Given Sunday gets 78 Swayzes:

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